Bowling for Snarves – Part One of a few
Disclaimer: Some of this stuff happened, sorta. Most of it, didn't.
RD: Hello, and welcome back to Bowling for Snarves. I'm your host, RD Rivero-
Shark: -and I just threatened to eat this bald man's head if he didn't let me help host. Hi, Mom! * Waving his fins madly. *
RD: Today, we have four contestants bowling for their various charities. Let's meet our celebrity bowlers and find out whom they
are bowling for. * RD walks over to Lane Number One. * All the way from Thundera, our first bowler is the ex-Lord of the ThunderCats and
son of Grune. When he isn't bowling, he's killing. Let's give a big hand to ThunderWolf! * Crowd claps wildly, most of them because Shark
is glaring at them with his teeth bared as he holds up the applause sign. *
TW: I'm outta beer.
RD: We'll make sure to get more over for you. In the meantime, which charity will you be bowling for today?
TW: That would be my nonprofit organization, STFURDALMB.
RD: Which stands for…
TW: Shut the fuck up, RD, and let me bowl. Or, and leave me be. It works on multiple levels.
RD: So it does. Let's move over to lane Number Two and see whom else we have this evening. According to our second celebrity, he's a
Hanni who likes Panni. This mercenary wants everyone to know…that… * Covers the microphone. * What the hell are you doing?
Chanur: * Groovin' to an Abba song. * Doin' a little dance for the ladies.
RD: Knock it off. This is a family show.
Chanur: * Stops dancing. * When your family includes Grune, ThunderWolf, and in some backwards way, Lion-O, that's not saying
much, RD.
RD: * Using the microphone once again. * Why don't you let us know what charity you'll be bowling for.
Chanur: Certainly. I'll be representing the Death to Fianna Orphanage and Train Station in Midwest Thundera. Midwest
Representin'.
RD: That's lovely.
Chanur: And I think ThunderWolf gave you the inaccurate name of his organization.
RD: * Raises a brow. * Do tell.
Chanur: It's really the Shut the Fuck Up, RD, and Lick My Butt, NPO. Although, and Lick My Balls would work, too. It's quite
interchangeable, really.
TW: * Looking up from his mug of beer. * What?
Chanur: I said `May the best Hanni win'.
TW: Whatever. You're going down. * Goes back to his beer. *
RD: Well, isn't that special. Everyone, big hand for the funny guy, Chanur. * Audience applauds, many shouts from the ladies. Chanur
blows kisses to his adoring fans. RD walks to the next lane in disgust. * Our third celebrity bowler hails from Thundera as well,
and lives in the Snarfria Province where she practices medicine. And as the saying goes, practice makes perfect, and one day, perhaps
she'll even heal a few of those patients.
Zhie: Hey, the only reason Lion-O died was because he * points to TW * was helping. And I was drugged up. I was pretty much stoned out
of my mind with the amount of morphine that was in my system. And, really, it's Lion-O…did anyone…okay, did anyone besides Purrsia…
really care that he was dead?
RD: This evening, cheering Zhie on, is the New Thundera Medical Board. * Camera sweeps to the audience where a less than happy group
of five Thundarians sits, wide-eyed. Camera pans back to the lanes. *
Zhie: I mean…tragic accident that was. Little office humor. Heh. Heh heh. * Ahem * Hey, did you know what ThunderWolf's organization
really stands for?
RD: Actually, I really don't think I do anymore, so why don't you tell me?
Zhie: Well, it's STFURDALMB, but what he really means is Shut the Fuck Up, RD, ya Asinine Little Monkeyfucking Bitch.
RD: Hey, let's not get the monkey involved, okay? Family show, remember? Fam-i-ly Show.
Zhie: * In an overly sweet voice. * I really can't buy that excuse, RD. With you here, I'm sure you've scared all the children away
already.
RD: * Dryly * And what organization will you be playing for this evening?
Zhie: I'll be playing to support the Injured Elves of Helm's Deep Foundation.
RD: The injured elves of…wait, all the elves at Helm's Deep were killed. Not to mention, they weren't supposed to be there in the
first place.
Zhie: Not all of the elves. * Waves toward the audience. In the first row sits a blonde elfin archer with a red cape. He's got his
arm in a cast, but is able to wave back with the other hand. * Somehow, their Captain made it out, barely alive. He needs all the
support he can get for his recovery.
Chanur: (Offstage) Don't elves, uh, have magical healing power and live forever and stuff?
TW: (Also Offstage) I need more beer! So I can kick your asses!
RD: * Puts his hand over the mic. * Zhie, this is Bowling for Snarves, not Bowling for Hobbits. I think you've got your nights
mixed up.
Zhie: Hey, I wouldn't complain if I were you. We're five minutes into a riff, and you've yet to be maimed, killed, raped by Tygra, or
shot at by sharks with frickin' laser beams on their heads. I'd just be quiet if I were you.
RD: Yeah? And what are you going to do if I'm not?
Zhie: This. * Snaps her fingers. Shark runs over with a frickin' huge laser beam attached to his head. *
RD: The hell…? Oh, like I care.
Zhie: Ah, but that's not all! * Whistles, and from the back of the bowling alley, Smithers appears. He throws the cover off a large
box, revealing it to be a cage in which Grune is sitting and looking rather perturbed. * Now, I'll write this the way I want to, or
Grune'll get it!
RD: (Crying like a little girl) No! Not my Grunie-poo! * Sighs, defeated. * All right, you win. Injured Elves of Helm's Deep
Foundation. * Uncovers the microphone again. * Let's hear it, everyone, for Zhie!
Zhie: * Grabbing the microphone. * That's Dr. Zhie. I didn't spend six years in evil medical school to be called…er, to not be
called `doctor', thank you very much.
RD: * Grabbing the microphone back. * Well, that leaves us with one celebrity tonight. He's a retired military cat, and must also be the
most patient snow leopard there ever was to live with who he does.
Zhie: (Offstage) I heard that!
RD: * Ignoring Zhie. * Let's hear it for Sgt. Faero!
Faero: *Waves as the crowd applauds. * Thanks, everybody.
RD: No insults? No name-calling?
Faero: I don't know who the hell you are, funny little balding man who fancies himself a dictator. Why would I call you names?
RD: *Biting his tongue as he knows Shark is still behind him with the frickin' huge laser beam. * And which organization will you be
bowling for?
Faero: Unlike my peers, I'm just going to admit that I'm going to take the money and run instead of making up some sort of bogus
organization. Sound good to you?
RD: It's what I'd have done.
Faero: And, I should probably let you know, ThunderWolf's organization isn't really what he says it is.
RD: No, you think?
Faero: Yeah, it's really Shut the Fuck Up, RD, and Bring Me Beer.
RD: Wouldn't that be STFURDABMB?
Faero: * Talking a little lower so that TW can't hear. * Well, we all know spelling isn't one of ThunderWolf's strong points.
RD: True.
Faero: Did you know I peed on his couch once?
RD: * Backing up a bit. * Charming. Well then. Let's hear it once again for all four of our competitors. Good luck, everyone!
Will ThunderWolf's organization ever have an actual name? Will Smithers ever have any actual lines? Will Zhie actually finish this
story? Stay tuned, loyal readers, and find out!