The Courtship of RD Rivero
Part 1
It was evening, and deep within the bowels of the Anti-Tiger Base, the Dreaded Master of All Evil, RD Rivero,
was feeling pensive. Alone in his Den of Iniquity, the dictator of TCATGR sighed, set his long-stemmed glass of
merlot on the end table, took the TV remote and turned off the fifth replay of "Immortality."
"I cannot abide it," he muttered to the silent room. "This emptiness, this hollow, this void. Something is
missing here, within my team, within myself. I need..." he tapered off. I don't know what I need, he thought
morosely. He stood up and headed for the kitchen, intent on having a cold snarf-chop before bed.
But somehow, he missed the refrigerator by two floors and several hundred feet, finding himself standing instead
before a simple metal door set into the corridor's wall. It was a door he'd passed by a few times since the
occupant had departed, but never through He placed his hand on it, and automatically it slid aside to reveal the
dark chamber beyond. He stepped into the portal, the motion sensors engaging the room's overhead lamps in
response to his presence, looked around at what was revealed.
The room was much as she'd left it. The bed was crisply made, the dresser orderly. To his right, facing the
wall, was an empty vanity, all the makeup and other feminine articles removed. There were a few wisps of white
hair clining to the cushion of the bench, left over from when she'd had to shave her head after "Ressurection."
To RD's right was a closet, the door ajar. He went to it and opened it. All the clothes were gone, of course,
except for a bright purple suit-coat and fedora hat she had worn in "Unbearables." He noticed the Weeble tree
with it's hanging Fianna doll was missing, as was the puddle of green plastic from the ashtray. Neither
observation suprised him.
RD left the room and wandered down the hall to another. This one was completely bare, no trace of it's former
occupant remaining. But then, she had been scrupulously, nay, obsessively tidy. It was just as well that she'd
quit, since he'd been ready to fire her anyway. Throwing out my spell components was one thing, he mused, but
when she put my Tygra hides through the washer and shrunk them, that was all I could stand.
He left the room and made his way back to his own offices, his pace stately but his mind kareening wildly along
a nascent path of reasoning, tracing it, encouraging it to grow as he slipped into his pajamas.
Then, abruptly, just as he got under the covers, it bore fruit. RD Rivero settled into bed, put his hands behind
his head, and smiled broadly.
********
The following morning, Thunderwolf and Shark were in the kitchen having breakfast. Thunderwolf sat at the table
reading the newspaper, while Shark, dressed in a frilly pink apron, flipped pixie bacon in the skillet and
whistled a merry tune.
RD opened the door and called out, "Ah, gentlemen, this is a great day for evil-doing!"
Thunderwolf sipped his coffee and snorted. Shark took the fried pixies out of the pan, set them to drain on some
paper towels, and reached for the eggs.
RD frowned. "I said, 'This is a great day for--'"
Thunderwolf said quietly, "Wake Purrsia up and it's gonna be a great day for Excedrin. She was out all night at
Skat's pub with Servali and Lion-O. That's a hangover even I can respect."
"No matter," Rivero said, dropping his voice a few decibels. "My evil henchmen, I have a concoted a scheme of
grand design and monumental wickedness. It is a plan such as I have never embarked upon before, a true test of my
power and creativity. Such horror, such vileness, such--"
Shark set Thunderwolf's dish in front of him. "Pass the salt, will ya babe?" the sabrelion said. Shark handed
him the shaker, then began digging into his own breakfast.
"Are either of you two listening to me?" RD groused.
"Him, maybe," Thunderwolf said, nodding towards the ichthyoid. "I'm trying to read the paper."
"Okay, RD, I can see this has you excited," Shark said, picking a piece of pixie from his teeth with the tip of
his knife. "What's the big deal anyway? And try to keep it short, we're not getting any younger, you know."
"The time has come," Rivero said, "to obtain a new accomplice."
Shark dropped his knife. Thunderwolf jerked, spilling coffee on his hand and hissing in pain.
"What are you, nuts?!" Shark yelled in horror. "Don't you remember the last two?!"
"Precisely," Rivero said with a smile. "It is because of the last two that I have determined upon my latest plan
of action. Rather than wait for fate, or Fianna, to play match-maker for me, I am taking the reigns of destiny
into my own two hands." He produced a sheet of paper and handed it to Thunderwolf. "This is a list of potential
candidates I wish to test for suitability. I am assigning you to procure them for me."
TW looked at the list, then suddenly brayed with laughter. "You've got to be kidding me!" he snorted. "The only
way this bunch would want to see you is burning on the end of a rope!" Chuckling, he passed the list over to
Shark, who scanned it intently.
"Question," Shark said.
"Yes?" RD replied patiently.
"Why are all of the possibles good guys? Why not Purrsia, or maybe Axelle?"
"The short answer is, both of these women have spouses in Mundania, who might not appreciate their new
circumstances. My accomplice and I spend many long hours alone together in the lab, concocting newer and more
devious plots to destroy our enemies, and it could produce the wrong impression."
"Riiiiight, like you and LT gave everybody the wrong impression," Thunderwolf chuckled.
"Precisely," RD said, ignoring the lion's licentious grin. "But there is a more important reason than
propriety." His gaze became distant as he contemplated his vision. "All of my past accomplices have been evil
from the beginning, even Lady Thundera who claimed otherwise. Ultimately, this evil expressed itself in my
betrayal and abandonment at their hands. This time, I will bring a fledgling to my nest. I will lead her beside
the brackish waters of wickedness, guide her in the ways of vileness. I will rear her up, I will train her, I
will normalize her, I will school her in all the methods and techniques and--,"
"Okay, okay, I get the idea. You want a virgin," Thunderwolf said.
"And because of my weal on her behalf, her loyalty shall be eternally mine, and together we shall rule TCATGR
with an iron fist of evil!" Rivero concluded triumphantly.
"Question," Shark said.
"Wha?" RD stuttered, lurching back from his fantasy of ultimate victory and unfettered Tygra mutilation.
"Why are they all women?" Shark asked. "Why not a guy? Zhyan would probably take the job. Maybe even Chanur." He
grinned at the evil dictator. "Afraid Gruney will get the wrong idea?"
RD shook his head and smiled condescendingly. "There is a biological imperative to evil, my toothsome henchman.
For while the male of any species may aspire to grandiose heights of malignancy, there dwells within woman, the
un-fair sex, that element which enables them to achieve still higher levels of sheer cruelty and viciousness than
any man may attain. It is no shame for us, for just as we cannot bear children, nor suckle them upon birthing, so
we men are simply not equipped for such evil as lurks buried in the darkest corners of woman-kind's heart."
"It is this element, this well-spring of darkness available only in the female of the species, that I crave.
With my new accomplice at my side, trained in all the dark arts I possess, she will bring forth the fruit of our
efforts in the form of Tygra destruction such as has never been witnessed in TCATGR history!!" Finishing on this
grand note, RD spun around and swept out of the kitchen, his pink bunny-ra slippers scuffing on the tile as he
left.
"What did he say?" Shark asked Thunderwolf in utter confusion.
"He wants to take on of the club women and help her get in touch with her 'inner bitch', then use her to crush
Team Tiger once and for all," the sabretooth answered.
Shark frowned. "Then why didn't he just say that?" he asked.
"He did," Thunderwolf answered smoothly. "Weren't you listening?"
"So how are we going to do this?" Shark asked. "None of these gals are exactly pushovers."
Thunderwolf set his paper down, picked up his plate, opened wide and slide everything on it into his mouth. He
chewed twice, just for show, then swallowed. He belched loudly, then said, "Easy. You just use their weaknesses
against them."
TBC