Every Dog Has It's Day

Part One

Tygra lay on a bed in the Berbil Village medical center. The Thundercat was sleeping peacefully, his beloved Thundera Tiger lounging on the floor beside him.

Across the room, on a chair and a patch of floor beside the chair, were Fianna and Sher Kahn, their visitation rights being restored after Tiger had extracted promises (at claw-point) of good behavior from both.

Kahn reposed with the relaxed ease of his kind, unoccupied and without needing to be. Boredom was alien to the energy-conservative feline, who was content to remain inactive until the need arose.

Fianna, like all canines, had an innate ability to fall asleep at will, and in the most awkward places. The room resonated with his snores. The nurses had forgone the usual antiseptic mist in the room, figuring that the caninoid's Guinness-laden breath would be adequate to deter even the stoutest germs.

Suddenly the door slammed open, making all four occupants jump skyward.

"What the hell?!" Thundera Tiger bawled, but got no further as a microphone was shoved into her mouth.

"April O'Neal, Channel Six Happy Time News," the jumpsuited redhead announced. "Do you have any comments on Tygra the Thundercat's condition?" Behind her, a frumpy girl in a blue sweater and black skirt struggled to steady a large TV camera.

Tiger's eyes flared green and she bit down, shearing off the end of the microphone, then spitting it out on the floor. "No comment," she said. "Except that I warned the press corps that anybody coming in here uninvited was subject to folding, spindling and mutilating!"

Without missing a beat, the reporter whipped a fresh microphone from out of her back pocket. "Then perhaps you'd care to comment on the rumours circulating that you have been fooling around on Tygra?"

"WHAT?!" TT bellowed, outraged.

"Isn't that Lady Thundera's line?" Kahn asked Fianna quietly.

"People seem to say 'what?!' alot when I'm around," the caninoid replied. "In just that tone of voice, too."

"Oh, don't act so innocent, Mister Sher Kahn!" the reporter said, turning on the Siberian. "Stealing away Thundera Tiger's heart while her loving Tygra lies wounded!"

"WHAT?!" Kahn roared.

"See what I mean?" Fianna quipped.

The reported than produced a photograph of the two tigers walking side by side in the forest. TT was visibly limping.

"Being a little rough on her, Kahnnie-poo?" O'Neal sneered.

Kahn stared at the picture in bewilderment, then burst out, "That's a scene from Fianna's 'Cause and Effect'!"

"So now it's porn is it?" O'Neal accused.

"Hey! I don't do lemons!" Fianna squawked.

The reporter rounded on TT again. "How about...this?" she said, producing a tape recorder and hitting play.

There were scuffling sounds, then Kahn's voice could be heard saying excitedly, "I got your back!" TT's voice was next, crying out "Sher Kahn!" The reporter clicked the tape off triumphantly.

"That was from 'RD Saves the Day'!" the tiger protested.

"You sure sounded happy to see him," the reporter said, nodding towards Kahn.

"I WAS ABOUT TO BE SHOT!" Tiger bellowed in fury.

"Call it what you like," the reported grinned. "Finally, explain where you two went in Mundania these last few weeks."

"What are you talking about?!" Tiger roared. "I had schoolwork, exams-"

"Playing doctor?" O'Neal said snidely. "You both dropped off the TCATGR radar at nearly the same time. Kahn came back first, but perhaps it was because you tired of him."

"I did not!" Tiger howled.

"Then you admit it's an ongoing relationship?"

"GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I USE YOUR INTESTINES FOR A YARN BALL!"

"There you have it folks," the news hound said, turning back to the camera. "Vehement denials in the face of evidence, the mark of the miscreant caught in the act. This is April O'Neal, ace reporter for Happy Time News. Back to you, Cheezey."

Then the pair burst out the door, inches ahead of Thundera Tiger's claws.

"Wow," Fianna said, "That was diffraaaa!"

"YOU!" TT roared, springing across the hospital room. She tackled the caninoid, overbearing him to the floor, then stood on his chest, glaring down.

"This is YOUR fault! YOUR stories! YOUR crap about RD and LT!" she complained.

"It was not!" Fianna protested.

"Um, guys?" Kahn said. "Has anybody besides me noticed that Tygra is gone?"

TT turned her head. True enough, the tigeroid had vanished.

"That's it," she said quietly. Somehow, this icy tone bothered Fianna more than the roaring. "I have had it with your antics, dog-breath. You mess up story lines, slam around like a maniac and now, you've jeapordized my tiger! Again!"

"You are OFF Team Tiger, Fianna! I want your doggie bag packed and you out of the Warrior Maidens' village before sundown, or I'll mangle you so bad even your poodle won't recognize you!" Then she bounded off the caninoid's chest and out of the room, Sher Kahn hot on her heels.

In their abscense, Fianna sat up slowly, ears drooping sadly.

"But I really didn't do it," he whimpered to himself.

********

"Woe! Woe is me!" Tygra moaned as he staggered along the hospital basement. He'd meant to slip out the door after making an invisible escape from the hospital room, but the sedatives were confusing him, making him press "B" on the elevator keypad instead of "L" for the lobby.

"Betrayed!" he groaned. "Betrayed by the only tiger I'll ever love! Thrown over for that miserable quadraped Sher Kahn!"

He was quiet for a moment as tears ran down his face. Then he said, "I suppose it was inevitable. Foolish of me to think a true tiger could love a half-breed like me. I should be happy for her; I AM happy for her. I just wish I could have been the one to make her happy."

"Oh, I wish I was DEAD!" he yelled in grief.

"As you wish, so be it," he heard from behind him, then a rag was pressed over his face. Tygra struggled as the stench of chloroform filled his nostrils, but in his weakened, drugged state, he was no match for his unseen opponent. In moments, he was unconscious.

RD Rivero lowered the thundercat to the ground. Benni the Traitorous Tiger joined him, looking down at the unmoving Tygra with bemusement. Both were clad in Berbil costumes made from tin cans, aluminum foil and spare parts from defunct Teddy Ruxpin dolls.

"I cannot believe the Berbils did not detect us in these silly disguises," Benni said.

"Berbils have Windows Ninety-Eight operating systems with Intel Celeron processors," the Master of All Evil replied. "It's a wonder they can detect their own exhaust ports without a samoflange, let alone us."

Benni pulled up a laundry cart and helped RD dump Tygra inside. "I do not understand," she grunted as they heaved the Thundercat inside. "Why not take his organ now? Then we would not have to lug him all the way back."

"Benni, Benni, Benni," RD chided. "You have so much to learn."

"There is a protocol to these things," he said. "First, I must capture Tygra through a brilliantly executed master plan..."

"Like this one," Benni interrupted.

"Just so," Rivero said with a grin as they pushed the laundry cart along the corridor. "Then we must spirit him away to the Anti-Tiger Base for a little terrorizing and torture, just to convince everyone how evil we are. This gives TT and her cronies time to formulate a rescue plan, while giving them a sense of urgency about the role they are to play."

"You make it sound like Tygra is certain to be rescued," Benni groused. They reached the overhead door at the end of the corridor and raised it to reveal a laundry truck idling outside.

"Don't be absurd!" RD said, as they rolled the cart inside and closed the door. "I only allow them to match wits against me to demonstrate to them how hopelessly outclassed they are!"

RD went forward and turned the ignition. As the truck rumbled away from the hospital he said, "Then we cut off Tygra's penis and sell it to the Chinese. MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

To Be Continued

********

The second part of Every Dog. As you may recall, RD got Tygra, and I've been fired! Oh the stress...

Features a special guest star! I don't secretly stab people in the back...I do it right out in the open!

Every Dog Has It's Day

Part 2

Fianna the Recently-Fired Nincompoop wandered morosely down the hall of the Berbil Village medical center. The caninoid had spent a half an hour in Tygra's room after all three tigrish creatures vacated it, drowning his grief in Milkbones. Now, out of Milkbones, the dejected dog paced along slowly, considering his options.

"RD would probably have me back," he thought. "Lady Thundera, on the other hand, would probably have me ground into weasel-chow at first sight."

Suddenly Sher Kahn charged around the corner. "Fianna!" the tiger yelled. The caninoid braced for attack. Tigers were notoriously unpredictable.

"You gotta do something," Kahn panted as he skidded to a halt in front of Fianna. "RD has Tygra!"

"How do you know?" Fianna asked, suddenly alarmed.

Kahn raised his right fore-leg, and a tape player dropped out of his armpit. It hit the floor and began to play, in Rivero's sing-song voice, "I got Tygra and you don't, nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyaaaah-nyah."

"Well, that's pretty self-explanatory," the caninoid considered. "But why do you want my help? TT would turn you into a sofa cover if she knew you were asking me."

Kahn shuddered. "Because it's only a matter of time before she remembers that I was involved in this, too. Then my butt's furniture for certain."

"There's only one thing to do," the caninoid said as the pair came to the lobby and headed out the door. "We must invade the Anti-Tiger Base and rescue Tygra!"

"Yeah!" Kahn roared. "Getting killed by RD can't be any worse than getting killed by Thundera Tiger!"

The caninoid stopped abruptly, making the tiger have to turn around to come back. "I'd rather not get killed at all, if we can avoid it," Fianna mused. "What we need is some cannon fodder."

Just then, they heard a voice speak from their right, in an accent straight out of a Beach Boys tune.

"Hey furry dudes! Do you dudes know where we can find a peanut-butter and anchovie pizza in this burg?"

Without looking, Kahn said, "Tell me that's Keanu Reeves."

"Not in my story, it ain't" Fianna replied and turned to face the newcomers with a sloppy canine smile. "Sure guys," he said. "I know just the place."

*******

"Ah, good! You're awake," RD said slyly as Tygra swam back to consciousness.

"RD Rivero, you nefarious fiend! What are you planning to do to me?!" The tiger snarled.

Tygra was naked, secured spreadeagle to a wide table, his wrists and ankles firmly bound. His head was secured by padded leather straps, forcing his gaze directly into a large TV monitor. By lowering his eyes, he could just make out a large, barrel-like object directly in front of his groin.

"What indeed, my femme fatale?" Rivero snickered. "Merely look at the monitor for a fine demonstration."

Tygra did as bade, and watched as someone else, someone he knew, was dragged to the table by Shark and Thunderwolf and secured in similiar fashion.

"Bengalli! No! It's a trap! Get away, man, get away!" Tygra cried.

Watching over Tygra's shoulder, Rivero passed a large bucket of popcorn to Lady Thundera. "Don't you hate it when people do that at the movies?" he whispered to her.

On the screen, Bengalli's head was forced into the monitor. Shark moved the barrel-like object into position over Bengalli's organ, snickering about this being a waste of time for so little reward. Then he signalled an operator off-camera and the lights dimmed.

"You should know now that we are applying a tremendous vaccuum to the barrel, drawing blood into the member to give it maximum enlargement," Lady Thundera whispered in Tygra's ear. On the screen, Bengalli was in obvious ecstacy, despite the danger he was in.

Reminds me of the time Lion-O got it stuck in the vacuum cleaner, Tygra thought, and immediately felt guilty for it.

"Of course, it must be prepared for shipping," Rivero said. "So we quick-freeze it for freshness."

On the screen Bengali's ecstatic expression transformed into one of unimaginable horror and blind agony. His screams, coming over the speakers, threatend to deafen Tygra.

"Rivero you bastard!" Tygra raged. "You'll pay for this!"

"Oh no, Tygra," Rivero chuckled. "My black market contact, Wan Hung Lo, will pay. And handsomely at that."

"Oh! Oh!" Lady Thundera exclaimed. "Quiet down now, this is the best part."

"Ah yes," Rivero said with a satisfied grin. "Extraction."

As Tygra watched in horror, the camera cut to a scene of a snarf in a high-tech control booth. The little creature laughed maniacly, then pressed a series of buttons.

The camera returned to the weakened Bengalli. The white tiger moaned piteously as from somewhere the sound of a compressor swelled.

Then there was a bang, and suddenly the barrel was six feet away from Bengalli, who looked down in horror at the great gaping hole in his pelvis where his manhood had been. The tiger screamed in pain and grief as a great gout of blood rushed from the hole, followed by another, then another.

As the swells of blood grew weaker, so did the young tiger's screams, until finally, both came to a stop. Bengalli's head lolled backwards onto the bench, his face rolling towards the camera, his dead eyes staring directly into Tygra's.

"NNOOOOOOO!!!" the thundercat wailed. "You killed him!! Why?! WHY!?"

"Money, you idiot," Rivero sneered. From a cooler beneath his seat, Rivero produced a long, thick white tube ornamented with black stripes. It was covered with shrinkwrap and frost.

"This will fetch a good twenty-grand to the right people," Rivero said with a chortle.

"It would have been twenty-five," LT pouted, "If he hadn't been circumcised. Such a waste!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" Tygra wailed.

********

The afternoon sun blazed down on a recently-overturned patch of earth at the bottom of a shallow ravine. Looking down on the disturbed soil was a peculiarly-constructed bird. Fat, flightless, with oversized eyes and a muddy coloring, it was a singularly ugly creature. It's bulbous body, no better suited to walking than it was to flight, stumbled and sent it headlong into the ravine.

Righting itself, it waddled to the rectangular patch of ground. It paused, then produced a loud grating "Honk!" of a call. It looked at the turf expectantly. When nothing happend after several moments, the creature clawed at the ground with it's axe-like beak and bleated again, still to no avail.

Finally it went to one end of the sector, squated down and urinated copiously onto the soil. The yellow-brown liquid gushed forth, soaking the ground completely. After about thirty seconds, it righted itself and moved off, resuming it's original positon.

Suddenly the ground burst open as a gagging, retching, mud-smeared face hove into view. Spitting out mingled soil and bird-piss, the creature shook it's head, making it's dangling eyeballs clack together loudly.

"I'm blind!" it yelled in it's squeaky rodent voice. It's hands flew to it's eyes, discovering the orbs hanging from the sockets at the ends of thier optic nerves. Immediately it stuffed the eyeballs back in it's skull and blinked several times to clear them.

"Ah, that's better," the creature remarked. "But where am I? What has happened to me? Who--"

"Honk," the bird bleated behind him. The muddy creature turned to face the animal.

"You!" he cried. "You must be an ambassador of vengeance from the next world, bringing my spirit back to seek vengeance on my destroyers!"

"Honk," the bird said.

The creature crawled out of it's grave and turned to the bird. "No longer shall I be known simply as, 'The Weasel'! Henceforth I shall be called by my true name, John Dead, the Undead Hero!"

"Honk," the bird remarked, and shat noisily on the ground.

"Now, my spirit guide of vengeance, grant me a costume befitting of a grim destroyer of evil!" the weasel demanded. Instantly the mud vanished and he was clothed in full-body Bunny-Ra pajamas, blindingly pink.

John Dead the Undead Hero examined his costume, sighed and said, "I can see we are going to have to work on this."

TBC

********

Dedicated to Tatiana, one of my favorite punching-bags :)

Every Dog Has It's Day

Part 3

Tatiana whistled merrily as she strolled up the sidewalk to her house. Fianna's cry of "What did you do to my poodle?!" echoed pleasantly in her mind.

He'll be weeks getting that blue dye out of her fur, the undead sorceress chuckled. She pushed open the door to her house and stepped inside and knew instantly that something was wrong.

It wasn't the blood on the counter - that was her own, left over from her previous encounter with the Poodle. Nor was it the open kitchen drawer - that was where TW had taken the can opener to let Shark out of the container the fluffy white terror had stuffed him into. No, it was something else, something she couldn't quite place. She threw her newspaper on the table and advanced carefully into the room.

"Ah-HA!" yelled the John Dead the Undead Hero as he sprang in from the dining room. Waddling close behind was something similar to a duck cross-bred with a turkey. "Honk!" it bleated.

"What the hell?" Tatiana said, then her eyes widened. "My tablecloth!"

The weasel avenger threw open his arms and gestured grandly. He wore a poncho of black vinyl, ripped up the sides for arm holes, cinched at the waist with a knotted strip of the same.

"Now your tablecloth of evil shall serve the needs of grim vengeance!" the rodent declared.

"And my pancake makeup from 'Haunting'! My mascara!"

"Look just like Brandon Lee, don't I?" the weasel bragged.

"You look like a scrawny pro wrestler," Tatiana fumed. "What in the name of the ASOE do you think you're doing?"

"I am John Dead the Undead Hero, come to avenge myself on RD Rivero and his accomplices with grim vengeance!"

Tatiana crossed her arms and leaned against the fridge. "This would be as opposed to fun-and-partying vengeance, I gather? Hey wait a minnit, that name makes no sense."

"What are you saying?" the weasel asked.

"'John Dead the Undead Hero'? It's not logical. How can you be dead and undead at the same time?"

"Foolish female!" the rodent warrior proclaimed. "Everyone knows you must first be dead to be undead!"

"Yeah, not both at the same time! Trust me weasel, I've been a revenant alot longer than you. People are gonna tease you for that."

The weasel stared as her. One of his eyes popped out to dangle absently on his cheek until he reached up and put it back in. Then suddenly, he smiled.

"In that case, I shall change my name! No longer shall I be John Dead the Undead Hero! Henceforth, as in my favorite movie, I shall go by the name of the fearsome spirit of revenge that summoned me back from the grave!"

"Henceforth, I am...the Dodo!"

Tatiana slapped her forhead with her palm. "Whatever," she said, admitting defeat. "Next question, why are you in my house?"

"Seeking my foe, my eternal implacable enemy, my nemesis, my--"

"RD Rivero, right?" Tatiana sighed.

"Uh, yeah. And pants. I need pants," the weasel added.

"So if I give you pants and tell you where the Anti Tiger Base is, will you go away?"

The weasel looked at her blankly. As she waited for the Dodo's two brain cells to argue out her proposal, she looked over to the table and saw her newspaper. The front page had a picture of a familiar green nincompoop on it, under the caption, "First Shark, then Fianna...Who Will Be Canned Next?"

Tatiana smiled as inspiration struck. "How about this?" she said. "I happen to know that Fianna and Sher Kahn are heading over to the ATB right this moment, to do battle with RD himself. I bet they could use the help of an undead hero."

"Yeah! At last, the Dodo will command a team of mighty allies to exact their mission of grim--"

"Yeah, yeah, vengeance, right," Tatiana said, then snapped her fingers, producing a map from thin air. She laid it on the table and began describing the route to the Dodo.

Within the hour, she'd given up and decided to take him there herself.

********

Fianna and Kahn approached the entrance to the underground bunker that housed the Anti Tiger Base. Thick steel doors sealed the entrance completely. Kahn went to them and gave an experimental push, then said, "I don't think we're gonna get in this way, nincompoop."

"Just a sec," Fianna said with a sigh. He produced his palmtop and began to type. He stopped, waited a moment, then closed it and put it away.

"What was that about?" Kahn asked.

From the doors there came a loud click, then the massive sheets of steel separated in the middle.

"Just cutting a deal," the caninoid said enigmatically, then shouldered the doors apart enough for them to squeeze past.

They moved quickly down the hall, as quietly as they could, which was not very, as Fianna's chainmail baldric tended to clink as he walked. Kahn looked warily at the cameras tracking their progress.

"You think they know we're here?" the Siberian asked. They rounded a corner and were confronted by Lucifer Daimou, Bengalli25 and Slinky Avenger, all three armed with Pointy Sticks (tm).

"I'd say they do," Fianna remarked, coming to a halt.

"WOOOhooowaaaaahOOOO!" Slinky cried. "Surrender, Team Tiger rejects! We have you outnumbered!"

"No you don't," Kahn said matter-of-factly. "We outnumber you. You surrender."

This completely confused LD. The insane youth dropped his Pointy Stick (tm) on the ground, looked at his companions and counted off two fingers on his left hand. Then he counted two fingers on his right hand and said, "No, I think we're even."

"You forgot to count yourself," Benni chided him.

"Darn it, now I gotta recount!" LD grumbled, then began ticking off more fingers. In a moment, he was wrestling off his sneakers and adding his toes to the calculations.

"Even without LD, we are still even, and we have Pointy Sticks (tm)!" Slinky crowed. "Surrender!"

"We have weapons too," Fianna smiled. "Nunchucks and swords, sais and a bigger stick!"

Four figures seemed to melt out of the walls of the corridor, producing the weapons as they were called. At first glance they might appear to be tubby humans, but a second look revealed their true natures.

"Mutant Ninja Turtles!" Slinky cried in dismay.

The four terrapin warriors oriented on the lizardette as one. Michaelangelo spoke for them lot of them. "BABE!" he cried. Slinky screamed and ran for it, four sex-crazed reptiles hot after her tail, figuratively and literally.

Benni looked after the departed reptiles, then looked at LD, who was grouping his toes in sets of two. Then she looked at Kahn, who was idly inspecting the two-inch long claws on his right forepaw. When she looked at Fianna, the seven-foot-tall caninoid smiled and cracked his knuckles, the popping sounds echoing around the hall like gunshots.

"At least I know when I am outnumbered!" she yelped and fled.

"What about him?" Kahn asked the caninoid, indicating LD.

"Easy. Hey LD!" When the insane teen looked at him, Fianna said, "What's the formula for circumference of a circle?"

"Pie-Are-Square," LD said from rote memory.

"Are they? I thought pie are round," Fianna queried.

"Oh, they are?" LD said shakily, then slumped against the wall and began to suck his thumb.

"You are one merciless bastard, you know that?" Kahn growled as he and Fianna resumed the hunt.

The caninoid only smiled.

Unbeknownst to the two adventurers, after they had rounded the corner another figure slipped into the corridor. The newcomer took only a moment to ascertain that the thumb-sucking youth curled into a fetal ball on the floor was no threat, then took off in pursuit.

TBC

********

LET THE BATTLE BEGIN!!!!!

Every Dog Has It's Day

Part 4

RD Rivero smiled. On most days, Rivero's grin was enough to cool the blood of a horny teen on prom night, but today it could have sheeted the Great Lakes with ice thick enough to drive on.

RD was feeling very, very pleased with himself. The prepartions were in place, and he had tremendous confidence in the team he'd assembled. From his control room overlooking the warehouse-size Extraction chamber, he had a clear view of all his toys.

Tygra was still strapped to the table, the Penis Plucker 2001 positioned over his groin, ready to fire. Thunderwolf and Shark patrolled the warehouse, both eager to crack some Team Tiger heads, particularly if the heads were green and doggish. Slinky, LD, and Benni were on guard in the compound. And of course, his Mistress of All Evil in Denial, Lady Thundera, was on guard nearby, poised to defend her beloved evildoer should the need arise.

The only missing component was Fuzzball, who'd excused himself to tend to Mundane matters. But before leaving, the evil snarf technical genius had wired the entire system to fire automatically, triggered by one big, fat red button in the middle of the command console.

RD checked his watch. He'd left a clue for Team Tiger to find, but for some reason the Team's leader had failed to respond. With the deadline for delivery to Won Hung Lo at hand, it seemed he would have to give up his fantasy of dis-membering Tygra right in front of Thundera Tiger.

But his disappointment was mild. Tygra's manhood was going to fetch at least a cool half-million on the Chinese black market; that knowledge was a considerable balm.

"Prep for penis extraction," Rivero announced over the loudspeaker and pressed a series of buttons to arm the vacuum pump, the liquid nitrogen guns and the pneumatic ram. From below, Thunderwolf and Shark gave him a couple thumbs-ups as the indicator lights on the massive machine glowed in readiness.

Rivero reached for the trigger, then paused. He turned the gain up on the external microphone and listened for the sound that had caught his ear: Tygra screaming and begging for mercy.

"It's good to be me," Rivero smiled with a beatific grin, then reached again for the trigger. Then the door to the control room slammed open.

"Freeze, Rivero!" Fianna barked as Kahn charged in beside him.

"Only after the vaccuum has been on for about two minutes," RD replied mildly, moving his hand away from the button. "Extraction about five seconds after that."

"Did you really think we were going to let you do this?" Kahn growled.

"I don't think you have a choice," Rivero said with a smile.

"Uh-oh," Fianna said as he felt the press of an obscenely large gun barrel in the small of his back. He looked to his right and saw an identical weapon aimed at center mass on Kahn.

"May I kill him now, dear?" Lady Thundera said from behind the caninoid. "I've wanted to do this for soooo long, heh heh heh."

"So do I," Benni said, cocking the hammer on her own elephant gun. "I owe these two for embarrasing me downstairs!"

"I could never kill my ex-dog," Rivero smiled. "Of course, my scruples do not apply to you, darling. Only wait until after we've finished our business with Tygra, so the nincompoop can suffer the humiliation of failure and defeat before he experiences the agony of death."

"As for Kahn," Rivero said, turning to face the tiger. "Just keep him under guard, assistant of mine. I think it would not take too much work to modify the Penis Plucker 2001 to work on a full tiger, as opposed to these humanoid types."

Rivero smiled and reached for the button.

*******

Tatiana completed her spell of teleportation. The verses of instantaneous travel had been altered to place the Dodo right next to the green nincompoop while simultaneously depositing Tatiana in the vicinity, at a sufficient distance to watch and laugh, while not being sucked into any confrontation herself.

She finished with a flourish and they both disappeared.

********

Thundera Tiger had been suprised to find the Team Tiger camp abandoned, even more suprised to find the door to the ATB hanging open. She charged along the corridor, listening for warning signs, nose attuned to the trail.

The scents were bewildering. She picked up tiger, nincompoop, and curiously enough, turtle. She was so wrapped up in the experience that she nearly tripped over LD, who was sitting in the corridor with his shoes off, reciting the multiplication tables and getting them all wrong.

Then she caught a wiff of a very familiar scent.

"Tygra! Mommy's coming!" she yelled and she raced onward towards the strengthening smell.

*******

RD's hand rested on the button when all hell broke loose. With a loud pop, the undead weasel appeared in the middle of the room, facing Rivero.

"Bllauuughhhpthh!" the Dodo screamed and pounced on the evildoer. Rivero, taken completely by suprise, was overborne and driven to the ground, struggling to keep the rodent's snapping jaws away from his throat.

Fianna whirled, grabbed the barrel of LT's elephant gun and redirected it downward between her feet. Reflexivly LT fired, filling the room with a deafening roar and blowing a wide hole in the floor. She looked at the caninoid, who smiled and waggled his eyebrows, then released his hold on the gun. Lady Thundera dropped through the floor and disappeared with a shriek.

Benni, momentarily deafend by the shotgun blast, glanced away at the two old foes. When she looked back, Sher Kahn had disappeared. "Where did he--" she began, then the Siberian completed his fifteen-foot vertical leap by landing hard on the traitorous tigress's back. Benni hit the floor, both her breath and her consciousness knocked out of her.

Rivero struggled to hold the Dodo at bay as the weasel drove it's sharp incisors towards his throat. Suddenly the pressure was gone as the rodent was lifted away. Rivero looked up to see Fianna holding the rodent warrior by the nape of the neck.

"BLAUGHTHPPT!" the weasel bellowed, clawing the air in Rivero's direction.

"Quiet down, you," Fianna said, then shook the weasel hard enough to stun it.

Rivero took stock of the situation as he got to his feet. The tide had turned, and a good Master of All Evil knew when to exercise the better part of valor.

"This is not over," RD told Fianna, his tone serious. "I see now that you are indeed a member of Team Tiger. No longer shall I mourn your departure, dog of Thundera Tiger! When next we meet, it will be as opponents!"

"Then what did we meet as this time, sailor scouts?" Kahn asked. Rivero shot the tiger a look and disappeared.

"Okay," Fianna said, dropping the weasel on the deck. "Let's get Tygra and get out of--"

"FIANNA!"

"Here," the caninoid muttered as he and Kahn went to the glass window of the control booth, stepping around Benni and the weasel. Far below stood Shark, Thunderwolf and Tatiana. TW had his hands behind his back, a malevolent smile on his face.

"You know what a circus geek is, dog-breath?" Tatiana called. "Turns out my two friends here in the FMD have been working on an act! Tell us what you think!"

Thunderwolf raised his right hand, and in it was the neck of a singularly ugly bird.

"...honk..." the thing gurgled.

"My dodo!" Fianna and Kahn heard the weasel exclaim.

Shark smiled, then smiled, then smiled more. The ichthyoid's jaws distended as his mouth grew larger and wider, metamorphing his head into something like that of a great white. He then turned to face TW, who raised the dodo bird high and slammed it down towards his boyfriend's toothy maw.

The bird came to rest with one of it's webbed feet on each of Shark's lips, straddling the merman's mouth. TW shoved hard, rocking Shark backwards with each push, but the bird resisted, it's knees bending without buckling.

"HONK! HONK! HONK!!!" it squawked.

"Do something!" the weasel yelled at Fianna.

The caninoid looked at the weasel like it had lost it's mind. "Are you nuts? That's the entire complement of the Fianna Must Die club down there!"

"You say you're a good dog, Fianna, well prove it! No way a good dog would let harm come to dumb animal!"

Fianna looked back out the window. The dodo bird seemed to look up at him with wide, watering eyes full of fear.

"...hooooonk..." it moaned, and somehow the caninoid knew it was getting weaker. A few more seconds, and it was fish food.

"Aw, crap," he muttered.

*******

"Goddam bird, stronger than it looks," Thunderwolf growled, shoving again. One of the dodo's knees creaked ominously, eliciting a pained "Honk!" from the weakening bird.

Thunderwolf grinned. "This should do it," he said, and braced himself for one last shove.

High overhead, the glass fronting the control room exploded with a mighty crash. Shattered silica rained down on and around the evildoers while the room shook from a heavy impact just in front of them.

Thunderwolf, Shark and Tatiana shook off the fragments and looked forward to find Fianna, all seven-feet three-hundred-fifty pounds of him, glaring at them with hard golden eyes. His ears were flattened atop his head, his postured crouched, his lips peeled back in a menacing snarl.

"Drop the dodo," he growled.

To Be Continued.

********

And now, the exciting finale!!

Dedicated to Mittens for that terrific picture...she deserves to be fed grapes. Bravo!

Every Dog Has It's Day

Part Five

"He's got guts, I'll give him that," the weasel remarked.

"Yeah, but in a minute we'll be looking at them," Kahn said. "Been nice knowing you, Fia--wha'?"

Kahn's attention was diverted as the keen-eyed tiger caught a flicker of movement by the bay door leading into the extraction chamber. A closer look revealed Thundera Tiger, slowly creeping towards the imprisoned Thundercat. She escaped detection because all three guards were focused on the caninoid.

Kahn grinned, then slapped the "Release" button on the Penis Plucker 2001 command console. Tygra slumped out of his bonds, noticed only by Thundera Tiger, who rushed to the fallen Thundercat and began to lead him away.

Kahn hesitated a moment, trying to figure out what to do next, help Tiger or help Fianna. With typical tiger logic, he decided completeing the mission was the most important thing. As he headed out the door, weasel in tow, he just hoped the nincompoop had enough tricks up his sleeve to get him out alive.

It was damned hard finding people who still knew how to play "Go Fish".

********

Thunderwolf, Shark and Tatiana fanned out into a semicircle, herding Fianna back. The caninoid moved left, always on guard, keeping their backs to the Penis Plucker. He managed to manuever himself within thirty feet of the bay door facing the barrel of the PP2001 before Shark got wise and moved to cut him off.

"I've been looking forward to this for a long, long time," Thunderwolf snarled, a feral hunger for blood glowing in his eyes.

"I thought you decided violence was overdone," the green nincompoop snapped.

"Naw, he said violence was overdone," TW said, jabbing a thumb at Shark. "Personally, I'm all for it. Oh, here's yer bird."

Thunderwolf shot the dodo at Fianna like a basketball. The caninoid stood up straight to catch the bleating avian, putting himself off-guard and off-balance. Instantly Thunderwolf charged forward, mace raised high to brain the obnoxious dog.

Then a flash of green rocketed from the open bay door and slammed into Thunderwolf, stopping the insane lion in mid-stride. It was Slinky Avenger, her legs pinioned around the sabertooth's ribs, arms around the top of his head.

"Don't let them get me!! Don't let them get me!!" she screamed.

"Mghdhdph!" Thunderwolf said, his words distorted by Slinky's breasts crushed against his face.

"Hey, no AC-DC sister! Let him go!" Shark yelled, grabbing Slinky's tail and trying to pull the lizardette away from his boyfriend. Finally he succeeded, yanking her loose and dropping her tail-first on the ground.

"HEY!!"

Everyone froze and looked towards the bay doors. There stood the Ninja Turtles, weapons at the ready.

"Nobody throws my girlfriend around like that!" Leonardo yelled.

"Yeah, nobody...hey, she's not your girlfriend, she's my girlfriend!" Donatello added.

Thunderwolf suddenly developed a sick feeling in his gut. A look to the side of the turtle warriors confirmed his suspicions--a trail of dodo feathers floating to the deck, leading right out the bay door. Slinky had likewise disappeared.

"GODDAMMIIT!!!" the lion raged, then turned to the turtles. "SOMETHING GREEN IS GONNA DIE HERE, AND IF IT'S NOT FIANNA, IT GONNA BE YOU!!"

"Uh, they look kinda mad," Michelangelo said.

"Might be a good time for a tactical withdrawl, right leader?" Raphael told Leo.

"RUN!" the turtle commander yelled, and together the brothers turned and bolted out the bay door. Suddenly klaxons wailed, and the safety gates of the big door slammed down, cutting off the pursuers.

"DAMN!" Thunderwolf bellowed and pounded his fist into the door, denting it.

"Tygra's gone," Shark observed.

"Why the hell not?! Everybody else is!" Thunderwolf raged. "Who the hell closed that goddamn door?!"

"Hello?" the three heard from the PA system. They turned their attention once more to the broken glass of the overhead control room.

"Hi! I'm Ayanna! Have you guys seen a bottle of little blue pills lying around?"

From below, TW could make out a young female cheetah of the four-footed sort. She looked hyper. In fact, she looked twitchy.

"What pills?" Tatiana asked.

"Oh I dunno, Prozilin or Ritlac or something. I don't like 'em, they make me feel slow," there was a moment of pause, then the PA said, "Oh, look, a button!"

"DONT PUSH THAT BUTTON!" the Fianna Must Die club screamed in unison, but their cry was drowned out as the Penis Plucker 2001 behind them roared to life. Before the howl of the vacuum generator become deafening, Thunderwolf heard the control room door slam.

********

Fianna did not roll into the Team Tiger camp until five-thirty the following evening. He opened the door to the rec room to find Tygra and TT seated watching television, while at the table, Sher Kahn was teaching Ayanna how to play "Go Fish". The weasel sat in the corner by himself, looking singularly depressed.

"God, I'm glad to see you're alive," Kahn exclaimed. "Ayanna's a nice kid, but she's got no attention span at all."

As if on que, Ayanna knocked all the cards flying, yelled "Fifty-Two Pickup!", then swatted each individual card from midair in a dazzling display of speed and control. She nudged the deck into a pile and smiled at Kahn.

"And quit winking at me," the tiger grumbled.

"She's not winking," Fianna said. "It's a nervous tick. I see them alot on people when I'm around. Kinda like that whole 'What?!' thing."

"DODO!" the weasel screamed as he realized his precious bird was back.

"HONK!" the bird replied as the rodent dashed up, relieved the caninoid of his burden and raced out the door.

"Are you really gonna let him go?" Kahn asked as the cheetah began to chase her own tail in a tight circle around the deck of cards.

"Sure, why not?" Fianna said. "Since he got killed and ressurected, I took the opportunity to expunge all elements of you-know-who from his personality. Hell, in this form the little squirt kinda grows on ya."

"Ahem," Thundera Tiger said.

"Yes, fearless leader?" Fianna said, circling in front of the sofa.

"Kahn informed me of everything," she said. "I'm still not sure you're innocent, but I don't think you're all that guilty either. And since you did help rescue Tygra, I've decided to reinstate you to Team Tiger."

"COOL!" Fianna yipped, and gave a small jump for joy, the effect of which was to rattle everyone out of their chairs. "So how are you feeling, Stripes?" he asked Tygra.

"I'm back to normal," he replied with a grin. "Not too big, not too small."

"Juuuust right," TT purred, snuggling up to her tigeroid.

"Hmm. I wonder why Rivero released you from his curse? That's not like him at all-huh?" Fianna cut off as a news bulletin came on the screen.

April O'Neal sat at her news desk, ruffled some papers and began to read. "Today in China, a Mister Won Hung Lo was arrested for trafficing in bogus tiger body parts. Testing showed that the tiger penis he was attempting to sell contained no less than fifty-percent human DNA."

The scene cut to an elderly chinese, kicking and swearing as he was led from his restaurant in handcuffs. The only recognisable words in the stream of language he ejected was, "RD Rivero, PHOOEY!"

Team Tiger enjoyed a pleasant chuckle over this, then Kahn asked, "So where were you all day?"

"I had some errands," Fianna replied.

"This just in," O'Neal said as her head returned to the screen. "Reports are coming in that a snarf has been seen in possession of a tasp. If you find this snarf, police are asking that you kill him immediately and burn his body."

"Tasp, tasp," TT muttered. "Where have I heard that before?"

"Moving on, we have our special guest correspondent, Cheezey the Lunatac, with a report on consumer safety. Cheezey?"

The camera shifted to a blonde lunatac, who pinned the audience with a sinister leer. "A lion, a fish, an Elvira-Mistress-of-the-Dark wanna-be. Sounds like a lively evening of fun and frolic, doesn't it? That is, until the Binford Penis Plucker 2001 gets involved!"

The screen filled with grainy security camera footage of the gigantic apparatus, air being visibly sucked into it's barrel. The view panned across to the closed bay door, where Tatiana, Thunderwolf and Shark were visible clinging to the door by their fingernails, screaming in terror.

Suddenly, articles of clothing began to tear loose from the three villians. Boots, breastplates, what appeard to be a codpiece made from a real cod, and more were all were sucked into the barrel and disappeared.

Then Tatiana lost her grip. Flailing, she grabbed Thunderwolf's leg, jerking him away from the door. Lashing out, he caught Shark's waist. Then Shark lost his hold and all three began to tumble towards the deadly maw of the vacuum chamber.

The camera cut back to the PP2001, where the machine suddenly erupted in a plume of ice, then slammed six feet backwards on it's track. The overstressed metal fractured, and the dreaded instrument at last fell still as it fell to pieces.

The camera panned back for a closeup on the FMD club members, lying in a tangle of naked limbs on the frost-covered floor, groaning and gasping.

Cheezey's headshot filled the screen again. "Look for our upcoming Fox television special, 'When Sex Toys Attack!', coming in June!"

Tygra groaned and clicked the TV off with the remote. "I'm sure RD Rivero will want to contribute some footage to that special, probably involving me."

"I wouldn't worry too much," Fianna said with a smirk as he walked towards the door. "I expect the Anti-Tiger Base has far too much to do already. We shouldn't hear from them for a while."

Suddenly, TT's eyes widened in alarm and recollection. "Oh god, Fianna, tell me you didn't..."

The caninoid only smiled and kept walking.

********

RD Rivero looked around, perplexed. He'd checked everywhere in the Anti-Tiger Base, but so far it seemed he was alone.

"Probably off licking their wounds," the evildoer mused. With a sigh, he headed down the hall towards his own quarters, intending to salve his own injuries with a hot cup of Earl Grey and a few poetic submissions to some of his favorite mailing lists.

As he drew near Fuzzball's door, he became aware of the sound of television playing. He heard Cheezey's voice say something about "Coming in June!", and decided to investigate. He went to the door, which slid open immediately at his presence, stepped inside and froze.

On the recliner watching TV was the famed evil snarf genius Fuzzball. This was not unusual. What was unusual was Lady Thundera, Tatiana, and Bengalli25 all clad in next-to-nothing bikinis, attending to the snarf. LT was filing his toe nails, Tatiana was standing by with ice cubes and a bottle of Gentleman Jack, and Benni stood behind, fanning Fuzzball with a gigantic ostrich feather.

"What the hell?" Rivero said, confused beyond reason.

"Rivero! I was wondering when you'd show up," Fuzzyball grinned. The females on the other hand showed no recognition at all, casting loving gazes over the snarf.

"What did you do to the women?" Rivero asked incredulously.

"This is what I did to them," he announced, holding up a plastic replica of a Star-Trek class 2 hand phaser. "The news hounds called it a tasp, but it's not. Fianna called it a 'fun gun'. Alot like a tasp, same basic effect, but reduced strength so the addiction isn't permanent."

"'Tasp', 'fun gun', 'addiction'?" RD said, growing even more confused.

Fuzzy sighed. "Okay genius, try to follow along. A tasp is the ultimate weapon. It fires all the brain's pleasure centers at once; one hit and you'll crave it again until you die. Two hits will make you the shooter's willing slave, forever. This is a low-power model. The addiction fades in twenty-four hours, and the battery is only good for about two dozen shots. Fianna set it up so I can't tamper with it without destroying it, and keyed it to canine DNA so it can't affect him or his poodle."

"Very ingenious," Rivero said. "But how will Mittens feel about your choice of attendants?"

"Why don't you ask her?" Fuzzy replied, gesturing towards the opposite corner of the room. RD stepped past the door and looked to find the female snarf recumbant on a plush sofa. Shark, clad in the garb of an Egyptian slave, was taking a gold chalice of wine from Fluffy's lips. Thunderwolf, similiarly attired, was swearing as he attempted to peel a grape.

"Isn't that creating a gender issue?" Rivero asked.

"They love her like a sister," Fuzzy snickered. "Hey, Daimou! Did I tell you to stop flipping channels? What kind of remote control are you, anyway?"

"Sorry, sovereign overlord," the insane teen whimpered, rubbing his shoulder. "My arm got tired. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

"Yeah, get up a good head of steam and ram your head into the wall, then we'll call it even."

LD stepped away from the TV, lowered his head and charged across the room. His scalp connected with the wooden paneling with a tremendous crack, making RD wonder it the wood had given way or the youth's skull. LD staggered back a few steps, then dropped unconscious on the carpet, blood coming from his ears.

"You wanna hear something really dumb?" Fuzzy asked Rivero. "I told LD what the tasp did, then zapped him with it. He fell down, screamed, flopped around, the works, right? Then he began doing everything I told him to. It wasn't about ten minutes later, I realized I'd left the safety on." The snarf grinned and added, "But I didn't see any reason to share that with him."

RD smiled slightly. "It seems to be a most potent plot device, one the dog has hinted at for years. It is fascinating to see it in action. I, uh, Fuzzy, NO!"

When the earth stopped moving and the stars returned to the firmament, RD realized he'd been wrong, so wrong. All this time he'd believed himself to be the Master of All Evil, when in actuality he had never been more than a pretender. Fuzzball, yes Fuzzball was the one, had always been the one. How could he have been so blind? The depth of his ignorance shamed him beyond words.

"Hey Rivero," the snarf said, and his voice was golden.

"Yes, my absolute master and all-encompassing joy?" Rivero said, his own voice a pathetic shade of Fuzzy's Who was he to dare speak in the presence of such majesty?

Fuzzy put on a pout and said, "Ya know, you really hurt my feelings over that chat room bullshit. Remember that?"

"Anything!" Rivero wailed, throwing himself on the floor at Fuzzball's feet. "Anything for your forgiveness, anything!"

Fuzzy's pout disappeared as Rivero sobbed. "Okay okay, I'll give you a chance to redeem yourself. Go clean my litter box."

RD looked up at the benevolent face of this snarf-above-all-snarfs, hope rising in his breast.

"With your teeth," Fuzzy said contentedly.

Rivero squealed with delight and bolted towards the bathroom. When he was gone, Fuzzy hit a button on his chair and the TV screen went blank. There was a ringing sound, then Fianna's face appeared on the screen.

"Okay, I'm impressed," the snarf told the caninoid. "It was everything you said and more."

"What are you going to do when it wears off?" Fianna grinned.

"By then, I'll have enough incriminating and embarassing material on them, they won't dare touch me," Fuzzball laughed. "I saw the tape on Cheezey's news report. You're gonna pay for that."

"Violence is passe, so I went for humiliation," Fianna grinned. "We all gots to gets our vengeance in our own way."

Fuzzy gestured, and Tatiana raised the snarf's chalice to the dog. On the screen, Fianna raised a bottle of Guiness stout.

"To Mooncat," Fianna said. "She said it best. The only thing better than making them pay..."

"Is making them like it!" Fuzzy finished.

They laughed loud and long into the night.

The End.