Fianna’s Last Riff

My mind is clearer, now.

The day started off like any other here in our little self induced 
delusion. The sun shinning bright, the wind just a hint from the west, the 
sounds of Tygra torture wafting across the countryside. I stepped out, 
careful to close the door behind me. The missus had become something of an 
expert on the subject of closing the doors around here and locking them. 
Myself, I couldn’t disagree. The set of Lassie tapes Chanur had wrecked on 
me had been very expensive to replace.

Ah, but what a fight that had been. That hani still didn’t know when to 
give up. Even trapped in Zhie’s clutches he still plotted against me. Well, 
until I had his Prozac dose upped that is. I hope he’s enjoying his sponge 
baths…

I found myself crossing down the avenue toward the center of this small 
village. The re-construction of the Thunderville mall was coming along 
nicely and Kam’s Bakery had reopened last week. Still didn't have any 
Guinness in yet though. New businesses were springing up like weeds in the 
construction area. A flyer blew past, and on impulse I snatched it up. 
Shark’s Sparklies. Huh. It’s either a jewelry shop…. Or a new dental place. 
I tossed it down, letting the breeze and the Gods carry it off into whatever 
realm they wished. As for myself, I continued the walk to the office.

And yes, that is new as well. My honey talked me into it one night over the 
covers. Claimed she was getting tired of all the drop-ins we were getting 
around the house all the time. Said it interfered with her normal sweet 
deposition. I couldn’t agree more, though I will miss the hani hair rugs we 
obtained everytime that cat had another scheme hatched. I’m shocked it keeps 
growing back. I had no idea he was a renewable resource. And then of course 
the visits from Thunderwolf were enough to get her going as well. Myself I 
though she’d acquired a taste for grilled lion…

I paused for a moment, allowing a new scent to register. I turned to find a 
new restaurant in full swing to my left with seniors going in and out. The 
sign above read The Early Bird with a cute logo of a robin pecking at the 
ground. I paused to examine the menu placed in the window for the passers 
by. Simple fare mostly, with a strange number of dinner specials that were 
valid only from 3Pm to 5PM. Odd…. I shrugged my shoulders before moving on; 
wondering just who in this world would want to eat dinner so early in the 
evening. I was so lost in thought that I hardly noticed that the door to 
Kam’s was locked. That was until I walked nose first into it.

I paused in the doorway, my nose smarting and eyes watering. What the hell? 
The clock above the bank read 9:15… so where the hell was the little brit? I 
squinted through the dusty glass to find a sign propped on an easel inside. 
“Thanks for your patronage, but current conditions have caused us to close 
up shop. The cost of all the glass pie plates has been too much for us to 
absorb. Kamanchee S’kah.”

Current conditions? Kam’s closed? I shook my head, as if to clear the 
cobwebs. How could he close? I thought he’d been doing great, what with all 
the comings and goings of all the TCATGR authors. Hmmm… on second thought, 
that might have been the problem. Having to remodel every two to three 
months after another firefight… I suppose I could see the financial troubles 
coming. Though I will miss those milk-bone cakes of his.

I turned from the doorway, only to be nearly run down by a 10-year-old tank 
of a car trying to parallel park. I jumped back just as the fender crashed 
into a fireplug, eliciting a muffled curse from inside.

“What the…. Oh, it’s you.” I mumbled, recognizing the massive figure 
stepping out into the street.

“Don’t start it, dog.” The saberlion muttered his attention elsewhere for 
the moment. “I’ve had a fucked up morning and I don’t want it worse.”

Well, this was news. Pain for the lion was generally a good thing for me. 
“What could ever be wrong on a morning like this?” I said in a cheery 
voice, enjoying the way he winced at the sound. “The sun too bright for your 
hangover?” The lion gave me the finger and stalked to the door of Kam’s, 
pausing only for a moment then the door didn’t open. Snarling, he thundered 
his fists on the glass, succeeding only in bruising himself. Kam had 
replaced all the windows with the shatterproof version after the last 
“Incident”

“Calm down.” I half yelled at him over the sound of his blows. “What the 
hell has gotten into you?”

Thunderwolf turned and fixed on me a stare that would have melted lead. 
“Shark left me.” He said bluntly, anger and pain welling deep within his 
eyes. I sucked in a surprised breath, the wind whistling over my lips. “ He 
said I don’t have time for him anymore, and that he was tired of having to 
be the one running the ATB while I went out to pound Lion-o.” The wounded 
cat dropped his eyes to the pavement. “He even accused me of having an 
affair with that loser!”

I bit my lip to avoid saying something I shouldn’t. I might have agreed 
with Shark on a few of the finer points of argument but this…

With a single yell, the saber lion rushed me. I barely had time to drop to 
defensive crouch when he rushed past me, jumped into his wreck and sped off, 
leaving the fender of his car behind on the fireplug with a horrible shriek. 
I coughed as a cloud of smoke form his tires engulfed me, blurring my vision 
for a moment. When it cleared, only the scent of burning rubber and a small 
dot in the distance were all that remained. Say what you wanted about how 
the car looked, Thunderwolf’s ride could move. Well, this was a great way to 
start the day, breakfast ruined, and one of the more powerful creatures of 
this little world pissed off beyond all possible recovery. Sighing to 
myself, I turned and entered The Early Bird, deciding that I had better get 
something to eat, before all hope of recovering anything from this day 
passed.

“I’ll have a cup of coffee and a couple of biscuits to go.” I said to a 
cheerful woman behind the chrome counter. The place was done up in a kind of 
retro feel, softened a bit by hanging plants here and there. An old style 
jukebox sat on the far end, playing softly to itself in the neon glow of its 
own tubes.

The waitress pulled out a pencil from behind her ear and popped her gum. 
“What kinda coffee you want hun?” She asked, looking me up and down. “We got 
Mocha, Cinnamon Mocha, Cappichino, Cherry blend, Double shot steamed, Irish 
creme, Mon….”

I put up a paw to silence her before I got the entire national production 
of Columbia. “Coffee,” I repeated, stressing every word. “Black. To go. Two 
Biscuits.” She gave me a strange look and turned to put in the order. I took 
the chance to browse the menu. Nothing much of interest, though my parents 
might have been interested. Most of this stuff looked like a hold over from 
the 1950’s. Then again looking around the place, maybe the food made sense.

************************************************************************

I took my coffee to go and left, wondering just what else could go wrong on 
a day like this.

I arrived at my building, focused on the surroundings. Everything looked 
normal. Well, as normal as this place gets, anyway. I paused in the lobby to 
pick up a copy of the Third Earth Enquirer from the newsweasel. Poor John 
had seen better days, even after the whole Lady Thunderia mess. Still, the 
poor guy trudged along with his little life, content to remain on the outer 
fringes. I flipped the usual buck into his tray, even though Cheezy’s rag is 
just a six-bitter. This time though, the mammal was all smiles for me. I 
paused, never before having seen a genuine smile across his mug.

“Anything else for ya, Mr. Fianna?” He asked, the smile spreading further. 
I found myself staring at the rodent, wondering just what the hell had 
happened to change his outlook on the fandom.

“You’re in a good mood.” I observed, trying to reconcile with myself just 
what would have made this guy so happy. “You get a good review or 
something?”

“Even better!” He positively glowed. (You ever seen a glowing weasel? Not 
for the faint of heart it ain’t.) He waved a small piece of paper in my 
face. “I won the Third Earth Lotto! One Million Thunderbucks!” He continued 
eyes nearly ablaze. “That means I don’t have to work here ten hours a day, 
seven days a week acting like I died and went to heaven every time some 
slick bastard drops a two-bit tip.” Inwardly, I winced. I didn’t consider 
myself one of those “guys”. Hell, I always left him the same tip. (Well, 
almost always. I can remember a few rough times when the writing wasn’t so 
hot and the dough wasn’t rolling in, if you know what I mean.)

John must have seen the wince. “Oh, no. Not you, Mr. Fianna. You always 
been good to me and mine. I remember the times you even tried to help.”

Lotto my tail, someone brained him with a hammer. I began a mental rundown 
of just who would have wanted to clunk the weasel and stopped when the list 
hit forty. This guy was positively beaming.

“Gonna sell the stand if I can.” He continued. “And if I can’t, so what? I 
won’t be needing it anymore! Now I can finally get the respect here that I 
deserve. And if I can’t get it, I’ll BUY it!” He cackled, dancing out the 
door. I paused; looking over what remained of the well-ordered stand I’d 
known him to run. “Just what the fuck is going on today?” I muttered to 
myself as I started for the elevator.
************************************************************************

Things didn’t get much better when I reached the office either. I paused 
outside the door, not hearing the usual clacking of nails against the 
keyboard. I swept the door aside, expecting to see RD had taken Spark yet 
again from my desk, leaving me to go to the rescue.

The outer office was empty. Not even a thin layer of dust had settled on 
the desk. A single white envelope sat in the center, and even from here I 
could see her flowing script. My name and nothing else. I expected a ransom 
note. Now we were getting somewhere…

I opened the note.

Fianna,

I am sorry to leave you like this, but of all people I think you should 
understand. John made me an offer I just couldn’t refuse. You see, he came 
into some money and has hired me and my services. Now, Zyhan and I can 
afford that marriage we wanted. I hope this doesn’t upset you, for I know 
you would want us to be happy. We have left for the Justice and by the time 
you read this note will be married and out of the country. Thank you for 
everything and I wish I would have had more time to explain.

Love in my heart as always,

Spark.

My paw began shaking and the note dropped from my paw. It floated for a 
moment, before settling to the desktop, right where her tin of pencils would 
have sat. She’d been working for me for years, through some of my worst 
times, before I’d met the Poodle. She’d stood for us at the wedding even. 
And now, looking back, I remember the quick look of hurt that flew through 
her eyes the moment I’d told her about my wife. I’d never thought I was 
interested in her, and I always thought she understood that. Now, the 
evidence in hand, I guess I’d thought wrong.

The telephone jarred me out of my thoughts with a clatter that would wake 
the dead. I reached for it, almost missing the receiver on the first try. My 
hand, as well as my mind, felt numb. The entire world as I had known it was 
being uprooted from under me and I was supposed to go on…

“Hello?” I asked quietly, fearing any other news for the day.

“Fianna!” The female voice cried into the phone. “ I was so worried I 
wouldn’t get too talk to you, before I left!” My mind reeled. No, not her 
too…

“The crop failed.” She spoke into the phone bitterly, the usual bounce and 
joy present in her voice gone. “ I owe some heavy people a lot of money and 
nip.” She continued.

“Not you too, Spotface.” I moaned into the phone, mind once again rapidly 
sorting through the events of the day,

“I got no choice.” She said quietly, and if I listened hard, I could almost 
hear her lower lip quivering. “This time I think Rivero is serious about my 
hide as drapes. I never wanted to double cross they guy but….”

I found my voice. “Damn it, Ayanna! You know he can’t hurt you….”

“Goodbye Fianna. I could have…” The phone was hung up and not from my end. 
I stared at it, as if the receiver had become a poisonous snake, reared to 
bite. I slowly replaced it wondering just what the hell was going on…

Chanur.

It had to be Chanur. I snatched the phone back up and dialed the number 
from memory. It rang a few times while I started pacing the floor. If that 
damn hani thought he was going to get away with writing a riff like this, 
and unimaginative one like this, he had another thing coming. Why I was 
going to…

A female voice answered. With only Spark and Peachy being the females there 
and Spark out of the country I used my profound logic to deduce who answered 
the phone. “Peachy? Where is that damn….” And then I realized the woman was 
crying.

To make a long story short, it wasn’t the hani after all. He was dead. 
According to what I was able to get out of the devastated woman, the hani 
died hunting. Seems he went after something a bit too big for him to chew 
on. An elephant. I just wanted to know two things, just what the hell was he 
thinking, and where the hell did he find an elephant?

After this turn of events, I slowly crossed the room and opened the door to 
my office. If I remembered correctly, there was a case of Guinness in the 
mini-fridge and a bottle of something else in the lower desk drawer. I 
intended to use them in the only way they were designed while I used my palm 
computer to find out just what the hell was going on here.
************************************************************************

I awoke with one hell of a hangover…. A Thunderwolf sized one, you might 
say. The office had grown dark and with good reason. The sunlight coming in 
through the window shade was down to about half the sun before it dipped 
below the horizon. I turned my head slowly; my neck feeling like it was made 
from spun glass. That’s when I realized that the shadow in the chair 
opposite was not just a shadow. I shot bolt upright.

“Who are you?” I snarled. Reaching for my accustomed ax.

“Calm yourself, Fianna.” The figure said. Now I could see why I couldn’t 
find my ax. It was sitting across the stranger’s lap. “All will be 
explained.”

I sat up straight, and instantly regretted the move. This wasn’t just a 
hangover, I realized at that moment.

“Yes.” The figure answered. “There was something in the drink. I know you 
well enough to know you wouldn’t go willingly.” The figure stood and crossed 
behind me. I worried for a split second before I caught a scent. No… not 
again….

He opened the windowshade and allowed what meager light that remained to 
stream in. His was not a face nor figure that daylight helped. Even worse, 
in addition to the ax he also held my laptop. And I’m sure he knew how to 
use it.

“Look out the window, friend.” My assailant said in a mocking voice. “Look 
on the world you once knew as your own. Look as the places you knew 
disappear, only to be replaced with ones of my own making, for my own 
pleasure.” By craning my neck, I could just see where the Thunderville mall 
once stood. In its place was a hideous watertower… that seemed to be 
sporting a pair of…ears? As I continued to look up and down the street, 
places I knew were replaced with other shops and dark places of amusement. 
Bingo halls… five and dime stores…tacky souvenir shops…gator wresteling?

“What the hell are you doing?” I attempted to snarl, but with all the drugs 
came out only as a drunken slur. “This is my home, My life..”

“Was your life.” The human corrected his eyes blazing. “It’s mine now.” He 
stalked back and as he passed through the light again I knew who he was.

“That’s crazy!” I countered. “You have all you need where you’re from!” 
That’s right, keep him talking…. talking… He dropped the ax to the floor in 
a furious move.

“Nice try.” He countered.

“Then why?” I attempted to scream, having fully realized just what he had 
in store for me.

“Simple. In this world, you always win. Nothing bad ever happens to you! 
You don’t grow old, you don’t grow bald, and no one you love is ever taken 
from you!” He began pacing the room slightly, the laptop held across the 
forearm with the face open so he could type one handed while he walked. “You 
want to know what really happened, Fianna? I had a daughter….a beautiful, 
loving, caring daughter. A wife, a home, everything a person living in 
southern Florida could want. And then it all ended. One night, a man I 
didn’t know, A man I would never know drove his drunken stupid into the 
family car. They both died there, Fianna, while I lay there, my back broken, 
unable to even comfort them! They both lived long enough to hear the 
explosion, to scream as the flames licked at their crushed and mangled 
bodies!”

Oh shit, I thought to myself. This time he’s serious.

“Of course I’m serious you ass!” He snarled. This time I winced. Idiot, I 
bemoaned to myself, he’s your author, of course he can hear what you think! 
“Here. No one dies, no one gets hurt, and I can create my life to my 
content!”

“But I have dallied long enough.” He set the lap top across the top of my 
desk and began to type in earnest. I felt my world suddenly shift and start 
to gray out. Then the entire plan became clear. He intended to write me out, 
and shape this world into something he could control and live out HIS 
fantasy in. He was wiping out my friends, my places…even my wife.

And there wasn’t a thing I could do about it.

“Goodbye, my friend.” I heard his voice as I disappeared into the grayness. 
He began typing again, this time reading out loud what he wrote. “And that’s 
how my last day in the office went. Oh sure, I had my difficulties and 
problems, but I think those can remain my own business. Don’t you?”

My consciousness was snuffed out like a light.
************************************************************************


I awoke to find myself lying on the floor in a strange room. The floor was 
cold….too cold I realized. My fur was…gone. Instead I was dressed in a 
rather poor fitting polo shirt and a pair of Bermuda shorts. Above me, a 
ceiling fan spun in a poor effort to cool an otherwise oppressively humid 
atmosphere. I stood up and glared at the reflection in a stainless steel 
refrigerator.

I was human. And not a very handsome looking one at that. And with that I 
did the only thing I knew how. I sat back on the floor and howled at the 
indignity of it all.
************************************************************************

It’s been three weeks sense the “event” happened. I find myself beginning 
to adjust to my life here with some difficulties. Turns out, I don’t have to 
work. Between the insurance settlements and the lawsuit my “friend” has left 
me in fair to good financial condition. With a little luck, it appears I may 
be able to remain retired for the rest of my life. Of course there are a few 
things I still have to learn.

On my second day here I was in my “Living room” so to speak when I felt an 
unbearable pain in my midsection. And it kept increasing by the minute. It 
had become so bad I fully expected to lay down on the floor and die. Then I 
felt something slide out from my ass.

Before then, I don’t know how many times I’d used the phrase, “I don’t give 
a shit.” without ever fully understanding the concept. Well, now I do. I 
remain inside the house for the better part of my time here, learning about 
feelings and everyday things that humans seem to know so much about. I badly 
botched the first time I tried shaving.

But I’m learning.

The same with the computer I found in the den, still running. All my 
“stories” are on there, and for the past few weeks I’ve been reading through 
them, remembering and thinking.

And practicing there as well. I have to give my author credit; he’s a very 
talented writer. Right now, I can’t hold a candle to him.

But I’m learning there as well.

I want my life back.

And when I do go back for it, he’ll never see it coming.

(End)