Robin Hood: Cats in Tights
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A white tigress jumped to her feet and stared at her surroundings. Something
very odd had just happened, but it was far beyond her ability to explain it.
One thing was clear to her, though. She hadn't been here a moment ago.

Trouble was, she had no idea where she'd been before.

With a shake of her head, she started walking. Instinctively staying near
the underbrush in case she had to make a quick disappearance, the tigress
searched her memory for some kind of an answer. Unfortunately, an answer
just didn't seem to be coming. What was going on? What was happening? What--

She suddenly leaped backwards and snarled, dropping into a crouch and
bunching her powerful hind legs beneath her in preparation for a spring.

While lost in thought, she'd also lost track of her surroundings and didn't
realize she had company until she caught the sound of a hesitantly cleared
throat. Now she stared across a field of green at a golden panther.
Recognition dawned and her ears pricked up.

"Chanur?"

The newcome nodded and studied her in turn. "You're...Benni?"

"Benni's a Thunderian. I'm TygrisHawk. Call me Tygris."

Chanur nodded. "Fair enough. So...what are you doing here? Actually, I have
a better question. Where is here?"

"Uh..." Tygris trailed off and looked around. "A forest."

Chanur's eyes narrowed. "Thank you. I think I could have figured that out on
my own."

"Hey, there's no need to get snappy. I don't know where we are any better
than you know where we are. I just got here."

Chanur rubbed his face and sighed. "Never mind. So, I take it you don't know
what's going on."

Tygris shrugged. One of the first things she'd learned in coming to the
world of TCATGR was to never admit you didn't know something. Faking was
always an option and one could usually write one's way out of it.
Unfortunately, her writing powers seemed to be strangely absent.

"Well, it doesn't matter," Chanur said, recognizing Tygris's shrug for what
it was. "We're here so we might as well make the most of it. You hungry?"

She hadn't thought about it before, but now that Chanur mentioned it, Tygris
was a little hungry. Licking her jowels, she turned saphire eyes on the
panther. "A bit. You have anything to eat?"

"No, but we can fix that. Come on. I'll show you how a real predator hunts."

* * * *

"We're lost."

"No, they're lost."

"We have no idea where we are. Therefore, we're lost."

"We know exactly where we are. We're here. Everyone else is missing. They're
in that strange place we currently refer to as 'there.' And since we can't
find 'there' but we know where 'here' is, they must be lost."

Thundera Tiger was tempted to maim both Peachyra and Kamanchee but decided
it would be a waste of energy. Besides, in the event that potential
characters showed up, she could always use them as human shields.

"So where are we going? Where's Kahn, Fianna, and Axelle? Is Mumm-Ra in this
story? Why is Peachyra traveling around with us? What do you suppose
happened to Cat's Lair? Does RD make a good sheriff? Do you still think
someone is following us? Did--"

TT threw her considerable body mass sideways and knocked Ayanna into the
underbrush. The cheetah's questions continued from there, but it was easier
to ignore them.

"Are we there yet?"

The tiger closed her eyes and counted to ten. "No, Lion-O, we're not there
yet."

"Where exactly are we going?" Lynx-O asked.

"We'll find out when we get there."

"See!" Peachyra proclaimed triumphantly. "Told you we weren't lost. It's
'there' that's lost."

"It doesn't work that way!" Kamanchee yelled. "'There' stays in the same
place. It knows where it is. 'Here' is constantly moving. We don't know
where 'here' is. Thus, WE are the ones who are lost."

"Look!" Ayanna shouted, finally making it back to the path and literally
bouncing with extra energy. "Look, a bridge!"

To call it a bridge was to be generous. A small stream made its way through
the forest and spanning its length were two boards. Though they certainly
served the same purpose as a bridge, Tiger considered the word to carry with
it some architectural and aesthetic meaning, too.

"Good, I hate getting wet," Lion-O grumbled.

"That stream isn't very deep," Peachyra pointed out.

"Yeah, but I'm not fond of getting wet, either," Ayanna piped up.

"No one has to get wet," Tiger sighed. We'll all cross on the boards and
continue our search on the other side. Did you come this far, Ayanna, when
you were looking for the others?"

The cheetah shook her head. "I got to the stream, but I didn't want to get
wet so I didn't cross. But they're definitely not on this side of the water.
I made sure of that. I looked in every bush, tree, shrub, hole, pot, hut,
house, manor, mansion, wagon, stump, cave, bunker--"

"Thank you," the tiger interrupted. "I'm sure you were thorough."

"What about mushroom rings?"

The others looked blankly at Kamanchee. "Mushroom rings?" Lion-O questioned.

"Don't you know your mythology? Come on, haven't you even read Shakespeare?"
the Brit demanded. "Mushroom rings! You fall asleep in them, and depending
on what direction the pixies dance, time either slows down or speeds up. And
you can be transferred to entirely different worlds."

"All this because some fungi grew in a circle?" Peachyra asked. "What kind
of history did your people have?"

"I don't like mushrooms. There better not be any in this story," Tiger said
flatly.

"Forget it," Kamanchee said with a shake of his head. "Forget I ever
mentioned mushrooms."

The others continued to regard him with a mixture of confusion and pity for
a moment before returning to their current problem. "Okay," Lion-O said,
clapping his hands together. "Let's get this show on the road. Over the
bridge?"

Thundera Tiger shrugged. "Over the bridge it is. Unless Kam wants Ayanna to
start looking for fungus on this side of the river."

"Actually, it wouldn't hurt to leave them presents. Some cake, maybe. They
like that. And sometimes they'll send word to other mushroom rings and--"

"Stop. Just stop," Peachyra commanded. "This story is weird enough already."

Deciding to ignore the continuing debates about the value of cake when
placed in a mushroom ring, Lion-O moved down to the creek and took a good
look around. The feeling of being watched had returned, but this time, the
feeling was different. He could almost pinpoint the location of his stalker.
Straight across the creek in a thick stand of trees, the lion could catch a
glimpse of movement. It was the first physical manifestation of the watcher
yet, and Lion-O felt a surge of smug pride that he'd seen their follower
before TT had.

"You can come out now," the lion called, composing his face into a
triumphant grin. "I know where you are."

The underbrush on the other side of the stream shifted, and then a pair of
young saplings were pushed apart. Between them stepped a rather familiar
form with a build like a Sherman Tank. Thoughtful eyes gleamed as the
dog-like nincompoop studied Lion-O.

"Fianna?" Lion-O frowned in puzzlement. "You're the one who's been following
us?"

Fianna folded his arms across his chest and sniffed. "If I had been
following you, you would have never seen me. I've actually been waiting for
you."

"Oh." Lion-O silently cursed and turned back to the others who were still
quarrelling. Lynx-O had joined the fray now and it seemed that the debate
had strayed from cake and now involved circumcision. "Circumcision?" the
lion whispered. "Why would…never mind, I don't know what to know." He shook
his head and raised his voice. "Hey guys? I think I've found someone."

The other authors glanced his direction in annoyance but stopped when they
saw the 350 lb green-furred mass of muscle on the other side of the stream.
"Fianna?" Thundera Tiger questioned.

"That's me. Who are you?"

Perplexed, the authors moved toward the stream only to be stopped by a
low-throated growl from the nincompoop.

"Fianna, what's going on?" Peachyra finally asked.

"I don't know. But I do know that I've had an encounter with a talking
raven, an undead Egyptian mess, and a rabid Sher Kahn who nearly infected me
before I even realized he was there."

"Imhotep!" Peachyra shouted joyfully. "I wondered where he went."

Fianna's eyes narrowed and he growled softly. "You were working with him?"

"Well, no. Just following him, really," Peachyra stammered. "Why, is
something wrong?"

"Oh, nothing," Fianna said a little too casually. "He just wanted me to open
some mystic box so he could assimilate my vital fluids and organs."

"I'd like to see a talking raven," Lion-O commented.

Thundera Tiger shot him a look and then turned back to Fianna. "What was it
you said about Kahn?"

"He's rabid." Fianna answered, maintaining his belligerent stance. "Or
possessed. I wasn't sure which. But he's out to kill anything in his path."

"Okay." The Bengali tiger sat back on her haunches to consider this one.
Something was seriously amiss with the story.

"So let's find out what's going on!" Ayanna suggested, breaking the silence
and racing toward the bridge. She jumped on the boards, but Fianna surprised
them all with an impressive display of speed. Moving almost as fast as the
hyper-active cheetah, he met her on the other side and slammed a fist into
her jaw that knocked her back onto the original side of the bank. Her
momentum carried her into Lynx-O who quickly toppled into Lion-O who
sprawled headfirst into Kamanche who grabbed Peachyra who fell flat on her
face.

"The domino game is getting old," Tiger murmured to herself and making a
note to get at least that much of the story back under her control. She
turned to face Fianna. "May I ask what prompted that?"

"How do I know you're really TT?" Fianna growled. "There's something out
there and it's watching me. Us. I don't know. But I do know this: I'm not
trusting anything in this story anymore until I have some pretty good proof
that you are who you say you are."

"I am," the tiger protested. "I'm Thundera Tiger. And if you don't believe
me, look behind me. How many other beings running around here would be in a
pile like that?"

"I resent that," came a muffled voice deep within the pile.

Fianna considered the situation and then shook his head. "No, I've run into
enough potential characters already to know that even your actions can be
duplicated. Someone will have to fight me."

"Fight you?" Tiger frowned. "But...how will that prove anything?"

"Whatever else is going on, all the potential characters have very similar
fighting styles," Fianna explained. "They're all being controlled by the
same author. So if you are just more potential characters, I'll know soon
enough."

"Fine!"

Thundera Tiger turned around to see Lion-O tossing both Ayanna and Kamanchee
into the air as he regained his feet.

"I'll fight you. But I warn you, I'll have to hurt you," the lion
threatened.

Fianna smiled dangerously. "Of course. Shall we?"

The dog moved onto the planks of wood and immediately assumed a fighter's
crouch. Lion-O confidently joined him above the stream and slipped into a
similar crouch. For a moment, nothing happened. And then Lion-O leaped
forward with a sharp cry and the word "Ho!"

"Isn't that overused?" Ayanna asked, shaking her head and dizzily making her
way toward Thundera Tiger.

"I'm really not in charge of this story anymore, so I guess we'll be hearing
a lot of it," the tiger sighed.

In the meantime, Fianna had effortlessly caught Lion-O in a headlock and
swung the lion out over the frigid water. In one quick motion, Lion-O's
head was released and he was plunging into the cold stream with a yell that
would have made Mumm-Ra's heart sing.

"He's really Lion-O," Fianna breathed. "And if you're traveling with him but
haven't killed him off yet, you must really be you." The dog looked at the
group and broke into a large grin. "TIGER! AYANNA!"

Both tiger and cheetah found themselves swept into a hug that threatened to
crack spins and ribs. "Air," Thundera Tiger wheezed. "AIR!"

"Sure, just ignore us," Peachyra harumphed. "After all, we're human. We
don't have feelings. We're not as important."

"I don't know," Kam said consideringly. "Given their condition, I'm happy
with being insignificant."

"AIR!" Ayanna shrieked.

Fianna, finally getting the message, dropped the two cats. "Thanks," Tiger
panted, flopping to the ground and blinking glazed eyes.

"So now that we're together, what are we going to do?" Fianna asked.

"You are going to die," a voice behind the green nincompoop roared.

With a sigh, Fianna turned and swung a closed fist at Lion-O who was
launching himself out of the stream. The lion was knocked back into the
water, temporarily dazed and soon freezing once again. "They never learn,"
the dog clucked sadly.

"TIGER!"

Seven heads shot up as something came barelling through the underbrush on
the other side of the stream, shot into the open, and promptly feel headlong
into the water next to Lion-O.

"I wondered when Tygra would join the story," Ayanna commented.

"HELP!!! I CAN'T SWIM!"

"It's only a foot deep," Lion-O sighed, turning to the distraught Thundercat
and hauling him out of the water.

Tygra wrapped his arms around the lion's neck and buried his face on his
shoulder. "Thank you," he sobbed. "You saved my life!"

"That does it!" Thundera Tiger roared, getting back to her feet and glaring
at the surrounding forest with emerald eyes that flashed in anger. "Nobody
makes a fool out of Tygra in MY story. You hear that? Nobody!"

"I don't think they were listening," Fianna observed as he watched Tygra
continue to shake and gasp.

"This is ridiculous," the tiger growled. With a frustrated sigh, she padded
over to Tygra and nuzzled his side. The striped Thundercat immediately
relinquished his death grip on Lion-O and seized TT around the neck. "It's
all right," she assured him. "You're safe now."

"Thank Jaga," he whispered, dropping to his knees and leaning against the
large quadruped. "I don't know I would have done if I hadn't found you in
time."

"Found me in time for what?" Tiger asked gently.

"Sher Kahn." Tygra raised his head and blinked wide, amber eyes. "He's gone
mad. I don't know what's happened, but…" The architect shivered as he
trailed off. "I saw him with what looked like a walking corpse. Almost like
Mumm-Ra, but without the toilet paper."

"Sher Kahn and Imhotep?" Fianna frowned and crouched down next to the two
tigers. "What were they be doing together?"

"I don't know," Tygra confessed, leaning against TT with an exhausted moan.

"We'd better find out," Tiger said, shifting her position to better
accommodate the Thundercat. "Something tells me that the Egyptian corpse is
going to play a key role in this. Tygra, can you show us where you found
Sher Kahn and Imhotep?"

"Sure," Tygra murmured, his eyes closing on him. "In a minute."

"Looks like we're camping here tonight," Ayanna noted, pacing in a large
circle in a fruitless attempt to control her excess energy. "I'll hunt. Any
requests?"

"Kibbles n'Bits," Fianna immediately responded.

"You can't hunt Kibbles n'Bits," Thundera Tiger argued. "Pick something
else. Ayanna, I'll take venison."

"Veal," Kamanchee spoke up. "With some tea leaves, if you find them."

"I'll share Kam's veal," Peachyra sighed.

"I don't need food," Lion-O stated.

"Venison for me," Fianna said. "But if you see any Milkbones, grab them."

"Rabbit sounds good," Lynx-O said after some consideration.

"Make that two rabbits," Thundera Tiger ammended. "Tygra should have
something to eat, too."

"Got it," Ayanna said with a series of nods. "Deer, two bunnies, and a baby
cow."

"Veal," Kamanchee corrected sharply.

"Whatever."

"Are you sure you're up to this?" Fianna asked.

"Of course," the cheetah said indignantly while waving her tail wildly in
the air. "I've been watching Tiger's every move. Everything I know, I
learned from her."

"Please don't say that," the tiger moaned.

"Never fear!" Ayanna continued, ignoring TT's last comment. "I shall
return."

And with those ominous words of doom, the cheetah took off, left them all
coughing in a cloud of dust, and vanished into the night.
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TBC

Robin Hood 6