Robin Hood: Cats in Tights
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Sher Kahn's first coherent thought was that he really preferred the
unconscious realm to the concious one. A throbbing pain threatened to split
his head in two. Every muscle he could name, plus many more he couldn't,
ached and screamed. His jaw felt stiff, his legs had attained the stability
of rubber, his back was in desperate need of a good massage, and his stomach
was beginning to tie itself in hunger knots.

**Not good,** the siberian decided.

This simple yet profound realization was Kahn's second coherent thought. His
third went along the lines of murder. Whoever had done this to him was going
to pay and pay dearly.

"He's waking. The drug must be wearing off."

**Target number one,** the tiger noted. **Female. Low voice. Possibly human.
Best eaten raw.**

"Your tampered snarf meat served its purpose well. Perhaps we will find
other uses for this primitive feline. Now, about the spy you planted. Has he
been able to report?"

**Target number two,** Kahn continued, mentally recording the conversation
and making a note to analyze it later. **Male. Possibly disembodied voice
due to sustained echo. If edible, an entree. If not, dead anyway.**

"Fianna rejoined Team Tiger. They got through his suspicions. And Tygra
joined the group as well, but so far, they only suspect Kahn. We are still
unknown."

Sher Kahn stopped planning his next meal long enough to begin wondering what
these two voices could possibly be talking about. What was this about Team
Tiger? They suspected him of what?

"The green one must be eliminated. And the Thundercat tiger, as well."

"What about RD?"

"I will handle him myself."

It has been said, accurately enough, that curiosity killed the cat, but it
can also be said, with just as much truth, that no cat has ever learned that
lesson. Despite the fact that his instincts were telling him to lie low and
continue listening, Sher Kahn was overcome by a desperate need to know who
was speaking. Slowly, he began to open his eyes.

His first sight was a series of vertical metal bars. **A cage,** his mind
informed him. The thick hair along his shoulders started to rise and his
ears flattened against his head. Kahn hated being caged. He hated to be
confined. He needed to be out, running, hunting, stalking, free to move at
will within his chosen environment.

A soft laugh caught his attention and the siberian's flashing eyes were
drawn beyond the cage and into the dimly lit room that served as the
planning room and hideout for his captors.

"I don't think he approves of his surroundings."

Kahn's eyes bulged as he took in the two figures standing before him. His
lips drew back in an unconscious snarl and his tail began to lash from side
to side. Hindquarters bunched beneath his body and forepaws spread wide for
maximum stability, he glared at his jailers with a look that was a strange
mixture of anger, shock, and above all else, fear.

They were all in BIG trouble.

* * * *

Shark sighed and shook his head as Thunderwolf continued to cough up what
seemed like an ocean's worth of sea water. "I told you we should have waited
until we were on land."

For a response, TW snarled and continued clutch at his chest as more water
was expelled from his lungs.

"Well, we've reached England," Shark said, turning away and trying to
distract himself from what sounded suspiciously like retching. "So, what
should we do now? I guess we could come up with a purpose for our presence
in the story."

Finally turning over in the sand, Thunderwolf stared up at the icthyoid and
growled. "What are you talking about?"

"This place. This story. It's obvious enough that we're in a fic. If we
weren't, we'd have killed Lion-O and never bothered asking him where Jaga
was. I'm noting a distinct lack of violence on our part."

"Oh." TW rolled to his feet and gave the surroundings a cursory glance. "Why
do we need a purpose?"

Shark shrugged. "Why not? I bet everyone else has a purpose."

"Hmmm. Any idea who the author of this fic is? We could tear them apart."

Shark considered both the question and the idea. "I don't know. The problem
is, we're analyzing the fic. Which means that whoever's writing it has lost
control over their characters and probably over causality, too. So no matter
who's fic this is, they're not in charge. I don't think tearing them apart
would change anything."

"Sure it would. It would increase the level of violence."

"Ah. Well, I guess that's true."

"Or...no, wait. I've got a better idea." Thunderwolf grinned, displaying a
rather impressive set of gleaming whites. "Let's find Fianna. We can tear
him apart."

Shark returned the grin. "I knew I hooked up with you for a reason. Let's do
it."

* * * *

RD reclined in his throne, realized the chair was not made for something
like that, and toppled over with a most undignified yelp. The peasants
milling about the throne room, dressed as nobility for the occasion,
hazarded surreptitious glances in the evil dictator's direction before
continuing to follow the royal order to "mingle."

Staggering to his feet and glaring daggers at the traitorous throne, RD
searched the room for signs of any snickering. He didn't see any, but he did
see something else.

"LD!"

The crazed regent of insanity looked up from his dinner. "Yes?"

"What is that mime doing here?!"

The teenager gasped in horror. "A mime!"

The mime in question was currently trapped in a box, feeling the invisible
walls for signs of an opening. He seemed completely unaware that he was now
the focus of everyone's terrified looks and continued blithely with his act
as though nothing were amiss.

"Kill him!" LD shrieked.

"No, wait," RD broke in even as surrounding potential characters leaped to
obey. "A mime is a terrible thing to waste." All those assembled stared at
RD, included the peasants. RD stared back. "What?"

When everyone continued to stare, RD decided that knocking off a few heads
was in order. After all, the pun hadn't been that bad. Had it? "Okay," the
evil dictator growled. "I want--"

He was not allowed to finish, though, because a ripple was beginning to
sweept through the crowd, originating from the main entrance to the banquet
hall. Curious as to what was going on, LD stood up. His mouth immediately
fell open. "It's ??i ?."

Now, RD's mouth fell open. "How in the world did you pronounce that?!" he
demanded.

"Good evening," a sultry voice interrupted. Bengali's sister looked at the
gathered crowd and then at the long table where RD and LD sat.

"Here, ??i ?, let me show you to your seat," LD quickly volunteered,
remembering just in time to close his gaping mouth before something flew in.

A flicker of anger crossed the tigress's face. "My name is Benni," she
growled coldly.

"Right," LD quickly corrected. "Benni. My apologies. Come, sit here." The
teenager grabbed a tray and held it before the Thunderian. "Would you like a
date?"

Benni eyed the prunish-looking objects. "Well..."

"How about next Thursday?" the teenager giggled.

RD looked at him in disgust. "That was worse than my mime."

LD ignored the dictator and continued in his attempt to flirt with Benni.
Benni began tossing him several very evil looks and slapping his face
soundly. With a sigh, RD turned back to his meal. Only then did he notice
that it had mysteriously disappeared.

"EVERYBODY FREEZE!!!"

And everyone froze. Everyone, that is, except for a blur of movement
speeding towards the exit.

"STOP HER!!!"

The potential characters slammed the gates shut, pulled the heavy crossbar
down, and stepped in front of the racing author. Unable to stop herself,
Ayanna crashed headlong into the door.

"You!" LD screamed. "Illeagle dictator's castle don't meat steal it to is
known from the you!"

Now LD became the center of attention. Even Ayanna cleared her head enough
to try and process what had just been said.

Returning the looks and realizing his words had flown over everyone's heads
and out the windows, LD tried again. "Don't you know it is illeagle to steal
meat from the dictator's castle!"

"Oh, that makes much more sense," Ayanna said, climbing to her feet and
placing the stolen slab of beef on the ground. She wondered if she should
have actually gone hunting rather than attempting to rob dinner. "But the
thing is, I'm not stealing from a dictator's castle. You have to have some
kind of a brain to be dictator."

Hushed whispers filtered through the room and RD's eyes narrowed in anger.

"Clever," he said coldly. "Very clever. This has been a fine night for
verbal swordplay"

"I've only begun!" Ayanna announced proudly, drawing herself up and bouncing
hyperly to the center of the banquet hall. "I plan to fight against you.
This story will be back in TT's hands..er...paws soon. Together, we will
strip you of your lands and title. We will embalm you like an ancient
Egyptian. We will establish snarf ball. Celebrate the arts. Provide free
health care for Berbils and Wollows. Rally the Tuskas. Initiate--"

"That's enough," LD interrupted. He moved toward the cheetah and began
circing her while she continued to bounce. "I challenge you to a duel."
Without warning, he knocked the cheetah's hind legs out from under her.

Dazed for only a moment, Ayanna jumped back up and turned to the crazed
teenager. With a move too fast for human eyes to follow, she crashed into
his legs and sent him toppling over RD's table. "I accept," the cheetah
grinned, resuming her excited bouncing.

"That's going to cost you, Ayanna," LD spluttered in a bowl of green jello.
He pulled himself out and glared at the cheetah. "So it has come to this. A
fight to the finish. Honor against honor. Man versus beast. Just you and me
and my GUARDS!"

Directly on cue, a batallion of potential characters began marching into the
room. A shiver of fear interrupted Ayanna's bouncing as she watched the
clay-like characters begin to surround the room, and for a small moment, she
actually held still. Then the moment was gone and she was off again. Once
more, moving with a speed that defied human sight, the cheetah sped toward a
wall, leaped into the air, rebounded off the wall and sailed for a
chandelier. Flying past the supporting ropes, her razor teeth flashed and
the chandelier went plummeting toward the ground and the gathered potential
characters. Still moving faster than any could follow, Ayanna rebounded off
another wall, hit the ground, and skidded to a halt near the befuddled
characters who wondered where she'd gone.

"Take that!" she yelled.

And that's when Ayanna realized something. The chandelier had not hit the
floor yet. She'd been moving so fast that she'd beaten it to the ground.
Suddenly aware that a strange shadow above her seemed to be growing in size,
the cheetah had just enough time to look up and realize she had made a
rather serious strategical error before the falling chandelier crashed into
her head.
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TBC

Robin Hood 7