“The Reading Pus Bucket -- Part One”
By RD Rivero
April 5, 2001
cue Introduction with animated pastels
Singing Voice:
“Pus Bucket in the sky,
Who threw you up so high?
I’m taking a look,
I’m gonna get spooked.
The Reading Pus Bucket,
The Reading Pus Bucket --”
it is the middle of the night -- the dark air is engulfed by a faint, gray fog -- enter
ThunderWolf -- he stands by the main door of ‘Lickme P. Wently’s Happy Slaughter House’ --
large trucks drive into the garage -- heavy, iron doors shut the wide, arched entrance
TW: Hello, kids and welcome to a new episode of ‘The Reading Pus Bucket.’ I’m your
host, ThunderWolf. Right now, I’m standing in front of the entrance to this slaughter house --
but then, having read that paragraph above, you were supposed to know already. (rubbing his
hands eagerly) Well, why don’t we go in and see the fun things they do in there?
ThunderWolf runs up to the door -- RD struggles to catch up -- the saber lion looks back
and scowls
TW: Hurry it up, RD, I don’t have all day -- er -- night.
RD: I’m right there, don’t worry about me.
TW (smiling into the camera): Now, I’ll just ring the doorbell and Mr. Wently will let me
in. (rings the doorbell, waits and rings again) Heh heh heh, like I said, I’ll just ring the doorbell
and Mr. Wently will let me in. (he rings the doorbell and again no answer) LET ME IN!
(banging the door) LET ME IN YOU GOD DAMNED [Deleted.] [Deleted.] OF A [Deleted.]
[Deleted.]
cue abrupt edit
ThunderWolf is in the building -- he rubs off blood stains from fur
RD: We’re rolling again.
TW (clearing his throat): I’m in the building now, kids, so don’t worry. With me is Mr.
Wently. Oh, no you don’t! (reaches out to the right and pulls a very terrified man into the
camera’s view) You’re not going anywhere, Lickme!
RD clears his throat -- ThunderWolf smiles and lets go of Mr. Wently, patting his
shoulder
TW: Of course, we have to play nice for the kids, don’t we, Mr. Wently?
Mr. Wently: Ah, ah, ah, of course. (shakes his chained hands and puts them over his
head) Anything you want, you, you, big, scary lion, man, l -- hmmm. Why don’t I show you
where we process the new cows?
TW: Why, that would be nice. Kids, don’t you want to see where your hamburgers and
sausages come from?
Mr. Wently: Just come this way. (points to a door marked ‘Processing :9’) It’s right over
that way.
ThunderWolf and Mr. Wently enter through the door -- RD with the camera follows -- the
main processing room is adjacent and continuous to the garage -- it has a tall ceiling with long,
hanging fixtures -- the walls are yellow and clean up top but down below it is stained with brown
splatters -- the floor is covered with straw or hay -- the trucks -- cows are being led out of the
trucks one at a time by uniformed workers -- moos and really bad smells fill the air
TW: Wow, don’t you people have air fresheners here or something? PU!
Mr. Wently: Well, that’s just how cows smell.
CHANGE!
Mr. Wently: Well, that’s just something you have to get used to.
CHANGE!
Mr. Wently: I mean -- no! (covers his face with his hands, weeping) I like those smells!
TW: WOW! You sure are a weird one, Lickme! What other bad smells do you like?
RD: Um, TW? Remember we’re kind of pressed for time.
TW: All right, all right. So we’ve seen the cows. Now what?
Mr. Wently (catching his breath): Um, well, I better just show you, I think you’ll enjoy that
better.
TW (shaking a menacing finger): I better!
ThunderWolf and Mr. Wently walk down the stairs to the straw-and-dung covered floor of
the processing room -- the saber lion complains loudly about the deplorable conditions and
expresses his regret for having forgotten his safety boots at home -- the cow-handlers look
away and avoid the irate, insane ThunderWolf and his bizarre camera man -- Mr. Wently tells
them to get back to work -- the terrified man leads the saber lion into the first of many chambers
of horror
cue abrupt edit
TW: And in here, kids, the cows are shot in the head and decapitated!
CHANGE!
TW (glaring into the camera): I don’t think so.
OK!
a cow moos as a big, metal helmet is put over its head -- with a click it shakes and falls
off -- the camera zooms, revealing the shattered bovine skull that was at that moment exposed -
- it had been torn open, blood and brains were pouring out -- methane gas burst
TW: RD?
the camera pans to film ThunderWolf
RD: Sorry, I got carried away.
CHANGE!
RD: Sorry, I got distracted by something.
CHANGE!
RD: I mean --
CHANGE!
RD: I --
CHANGE!
CHANGE!
CHANGE!
ThunderWolf stomps on the floor -- the entire building shakes and the inane ‘CHANGE!’
voice stops
TW: Honestly, RD, what’s with all these gimmicks? Anyway, while these guys here are
busy cutting off that cow’s head and skinning its body, why don’t we take this time to enjoy a
good story. (produces a small, tattered volume) It’s called ‘WileyKat and WileyKit Must Die’
and it’s about a pair of kittens who get into a whole lot of trouble! Those brats!
cue cover illustration -- WileyKat and WileyKit on their knees in terror
Annoying Five Year Old (struggling to pronounce the words): WileyKat and WileyKit
Must Die, by RD Rivero. Narrated by me! The Annoying Five Year Old! OK, so like, WileyKat
and WileyKit were on their boards fooling around ‘cause they’re really lazy and the other
Thundercats don’t like them. (image of the kittens are on their boards looking smug) Oh, oh,
something’s happened to WileyKat’s board. (image of WileyKat’s board falling from under his
feet -- his tunic, dress rushing up) He jumps on his sister’s board and they land safely. They
look around confused ‘cause they don’t know what went wrong. (image of the kittens look at
each other confused) Then along comes mister stranger. Mister stranger looks like any old
man, except he’s wearing these really strange clothes and that’s why he’s called mister
stranger. WileyKit sees that he has a gun and doesn’t trust him but WileyKat does ‘cause he
has no common sense. She flies away but he stays behind. (image of WileyKit getting on her
board and swooshing away -- image of WileyKat walking to mister stranger’s house) So, big
dumb WileyKat goes into the stranger’s house and starts to eat and stuff. Mister stranger says
he has to go out. He tells WileyKat not to mess around in his house. Mean, mister stranger,
mean! (image of mister stranger wagging a finger at the startled kitten) But he doesn’t listen.
He’s a naughty WileyKat! He sneaks into the living room and sees that the house is a big mess.
He hears a noise coming from upstairs. Oh, no! It’s mister stranger’s family! He’s turned them
into flat zombies. Oh, dear, oh dear, what’s WileyKat going to do now? (image of WileyKat
running from the slow, crushed bodies into the garage) No, WileyKat, don’t go into the garage,
don’t go into the garage! Mean mister stranger’s there with WileyKit. She’s a zombie now, too!
(image of WileyKat entering garage door) Oh, well, mister stranger’s going to do some weird,
nasty things to WileyKat’s body and then he’s going to turn him into a zombie! THE END!
cut back to the slaughter house -- the room where the workers carve the dead cows into
slices of meat -- ThunderWolf wields a chainsaw -- he hacks at the carcasses that hang from
long, black hooks -- blood and gore splatter onto his fur -- the workers run away, screaming and
wailing at the sight of the mangled carnage -- a strange sort of children’s tune, ‘The Baby
Elephant,’ plays in the background
TW (putting the chainsaw away): That WileyKat sure was one big idiot. I hope you kids
learned your lesson. Poking around weird stranger’s houses is a bad, bad, Liono thing to do.
Liono, that spaghetti-sized little --
RD: Don’t forget, what you did to him’s why you’re in this mess.
TW (grumbling): Just another five episodes and my community service will be over!
Damn that Mandora and her Control [Deleted.]
RD: Let’s get back to the show. We’re about done.
TW: And thank god for that. This has been one of the worst stories you’ve ever written!
The next time you stick me into your fics I better be bashing in Liono’s head or getting my well-
deserved revenge on that nincompoop Fianna --
RD: I’ve got cold beer in the cooler for later.
TW: Hmmm. I’m appeased -- FOR NOW!
cue abrupt edit
TW (speaking with a booming voice): I want to thank Mr. Wently. (grabs the cowering
man who again tries to escape) I WANT TO THANK MR. WENTLY! For showing us around his
slaughter house.
Mr. Wently (wetting himself, the sound very audible): That’s, that’s OK, really.
TW: Oh, so you can make those bad smells, too. Ah! You’re wetting yourself? You
better not get that on me! (picks up Mr. Wently by the scruff of his neck and sends him flying
into a wrapping and packing machine) And if you liked ‘WileyKat and WileyKit Must Die,’ check
out these stories at your nearest restricted Internet site!
enter dot -- a nerd with his finger up his nose
dot: My story is called ‘Thunder Smut’ and it’s about the kittens having sex with --
cue abrupt edit -- enter Snarfer
Snarfer: My story is ‘Youth’ and it’s about Liono and how he discovers his peepee. I
wish I had a peepee. If I had a peepee I’d use it to --
cue abrupt edit -- enter WileyKit, chest abnormally developed
WileyKit: Yeah, I’ve got a bone to pick with RD. Who the hell does he think he is writing
those horrible stories about Tygra’s bong? And I am not a boy! Look! (struts her chest) I do to
have breasts! (tightly-packed bundles of Kleenex pop out of the collar of her shirt -- her chest
falls to her waist to the ground)
cue abrupt edit
outside -- police sirens and their flashing lights come closer and closer
TW: Well, that’s it for today’s -- um -- tonight’s episode of ‘The Reading Pus Bucket.’ I
hope you learned something new today ‘cause I know I did. Like how much pee is in a terrified
man. (bites into a hamburger -- the fresh beef is raw and very bloody) Hmmm! (steps out of
the camera’s view)
RD: And that’s a wrap!
cue end credits
Singing Voice:
“Pus Bucket in the sky,
I can get twice as high,
With silky fruit,
Yeah, it’s in this book,
The Reading Pus Bucket,
The Reading Pus Bucket --”
Voice: The Reading Pus Bucket was brought to you by mean strangers, fierce and
insane sabertooths, evil authors and dumb kittens everywhere!