“The Reading Pus Bucket -- Part Two”
By RD Rivero
March 8, 2003
**final version**
cue Introduction with animated pastels
Singing Voice:
“Pus Bucket in the sky,
Who threw you up so high?
I’m taking a look,
I’m gonna get spooked.
The Reading Pus Bucket,
The Reading Pus Bucket --”
it is the middle of the afternoon -- the skies are clear, the air is still -- a large palace
emerges into view -- caravans of white, unmarked trucks pass through an open gate -- enter
ThunderWolf, facing the camera with a microphone -- oddly enough, his mane and facial hair
seem to resemble that of Jeraldo Rivera
RD (standing behind the camera): You think we should’ve called first?
TW (looking confused): Why? Who’s gonna notice us?
RD: I mean it’s just that, you know, this is a little dangerous --
TW: You worry too much, human! We’ll be in and out unnoticed!
RD: I sure hope so -- anyway, we’re rolling --
TW (smiling and speaking into the microphone): Hello, kids! And Welcome to a new
episode of ‘The Reading Pus Bucket.’ I’m your host, ThunderWolf. Right now I’m in Iraq
standing near one of Sadam Hussein’s palaces. Let’s go and see what all of the fuss is about!
ThunderWolf runs to the open gate -- RD struggles to keep up -- four armed guards
stand watch while the white, unmarked vehicles pass by -- the guards take notice of the strange
pair
Guard (aiming his weapon): Quiénes son ustedes? Qué ustedes están haciendo aquí?
Translator (speaking in accent appropriate to the situation): Who are you? What are
you doing?
all of the guards, ThunderWolf and RD are alarmed and startled by the sudden voice of
the translator -- it seems to come from no where and everywhere
Guard (looking around stun): Pero que carambe es esso?
Translator: What the hell was that?
RD: TW, I told you we needed permission to film here! Oh, this is so going to increase
my insurance premiums!
TW: Shuddup!
ThunderWolf stomps on the guard’s foot -- the guard drops the weapon -- the other
guards aim to fire -- cue abrupt edit -- smoldering mounds remain on the dirt -- ThunderWolf
looks back into the camera, his face, arms and legs bandaged
TW: Well, wasn’t that a rude greeting! It’s like we’re unwelcome! But don’t worry, kids,
we won’t let that spoil our fun -- let’s go explore! (squinting at the camera) RD, are you alright?
RD (coughing): Don’t worry about me; it’s just a lethal wound -- I’m used to those --
TW: Good because --
cue abrupt edit
RD: And -- we’re rolling again!
TW (adjusting his mane): And now kids, let’s see what Sadam keeps in this room!
ThunderWolf smiles evilly as he points to a door -- the door is marked by the image of a
red skull and the words: ‘Biohazard: Sadam’s Dirty Laundry’ -- unusual and bizarre as always,
the warning is written in plain English -- he opens the door -- the camera zooms into view -- a
greenish gas pours out of the dark and widening crack --
TW (turning back to the camera): You know what, let’s just leave that alone -- er -- this
door looks more promising!
ThunderWolf sprints to the other side of the hall -- he reaches a door marked by the
words: ‘Sadam’s Room -- Keep Out! Kuddies!’
RD: ThunderWolf, maybe we should just quit while we’re ahead --
CHANGE!
RD: ThunderWolf, maybe we should get out of here, while we’re still alive --
CHANGE!
RD: Er -- you think this is a smart idea?
CHANGE!
RD: Oh, god -- we’re gonna die!
TW (opening the door and turning back to the camera): Shuddup! (roaring and bearing
teeth) I don’t want you scaring the kids! (smiling and waving at the camera) Heh heh heh --
and now, kids, let’s find Sadam’s diary!
cue abrupt edit
inside Sadam’s room -- a very large chamber with one big bed and lamps -- no windows
but closets -- lots of closets -- ThunderWolf finds a desk -- RD with the camera rushes over to
see what he’s found
TW: And you thought we were gonna die, well, lookie what I found, boys and girls, it’s
uncle Sadam’s diary!
RD: Put it on the table so I can film it!
ThunderWolf clears the table with a swipe of his arm -- pictures, desk lamps, miniature
Alsamuds and battle plans fall to the floor -- he places the book flat on its back, open to an
obscure chapter -- the camera zooms in
RD: Er --
TW: What’s wrong now, oh, unrespected, unofficial undictator?
RD: It’s in Arabic, I don’t think we can read it --
TW (swiping the book away): I’ll be the judge of that! (scans the pages, starts to read)
U -- ah -- er -- isn’t that -- er -- looks kinda like a ‘u’ -- (flips the pages) we’ll here’s a picture of
George Bush, but I don’t think we can --
cue abrupt edit
TW: OK, so maybe his diary wasn’t such a hit -- never fear, we’ve got something better
for ya, kids! Let’s see what he keeps in his closets!
ThunderWolf opens a closet door -- it reveals a large and lit antechamber
TW: Oh my gods! Take a look at this! (produces a high-heeled shoe) He’s got
thousands of ‘em -- the man’s got -- fetishes --
at once a two-foot ‘tall’ imp races into the room -- the exceedingly small man is all but
dwarfed by his thick glasses and white lab-coat -- he totes a clipboard and pen
TW: Are you lost, little man?
ThunderWolf picks up the imp -- the man’s feet continue moving as if he weren’t
suspended by this neck a good six feet above the ground
RD: I think that’s Hans Blix --
TW: Hans who?
RD: Hans Blix.
TW: Hans Solo.
RD: No, I mean --
TW: No, Hans Traback?
RD: Huh? No -- I think he wants the shoe --
TW (putting the man down and giving him the shoe): Don’t you think that’s a little too big
for you Hansel?
RD: Hans!
TW: Whatever!
the strange man with the strange glasses puts the shoe down and scribbles notes on his
clipboard -- he runs into the closet, making a lot of noise -- he emerges entangled with bras,
leotards and stretchy leggings -- he sticks a note on TW’s crotch (the only part of the saber lion
he can reach) and exits
TW: He pasted me!
RD (zooming into TW’s crotch): Wow, according to the note, the UN wants you
destroyed ASAP -- you’re a freakin’ weapon of mass destruction!
TW (pulling the sticky, yellow-note off, falling to his knees): ARGH!
RD: TW? Are you OK?
TW (gasping, holding back his tears): OK? I just got a bikini wax from hell!
cue abrupt edit
TW (walking through the halls, evading guards who talk into radios): Alright, that’s
enough of Sadam’s room of fetish maximus --is this a palace or a peep show?
the same impish man returns, walking frantically with a magnifier -- the imprinted images
of high-heeled shoes can be seen through the glass
TW (shaking his head): Argh! I’m gonna get that [deleted] ef[deleted]ing little [deleted]!
I’m gonna kill him!
RD: WAIT, TW!
cue abrupt edit
TW: I’m only doing it for the kids, RD, so don’t be getting in my way like that again!
RD: We’re rolling again, WMD --
TW: WMD? Argh! (sighing) And behind this door, kids, Sadam’s talking to the media!
ThunderWolf opens a door marked: “Shhh!” -- RD with the camera follows -- within,
Sadam Hussein sits at the end of a very long table -- Dan Rather sits at the other end
Dan: Sadam, I say, looking into your eyes like a moth flutters into the flames with
angel’s wings, why don’t you destroy your Alsamud missiles like the UN wants you to?
Sadam: Mirando tus ojos yo pienso que (he sits back, licking his fingers) que usted es
un hombre sincero.
Translator: Well, Mr. Rather, as I look into your eyes -- and adjust my legs so that the
bulge in my lap remains undetectable, I just want to go ‘mu mu mu’ like that Pe Pe Le Pu skunk
-- oh, the French are so amusing, ha ha ha!
ThunderWolf lurks through the sides of the room while the two continue the interview --
he stands behind Sadam’s chair, wiggling his fingers just over the dictator’s head -- the imp-man
in the white lab coat emerges from under the table
Sadam: Yo quere dicirle usted (knocking on the table) que con el presidente Bush
quiero una bronca con nuestros twinkies!
Translator: And I want to say one more thing to you, Mr. Rather, before I have your
genitals extracted, I want to challenge President Bush to duel with Twinkies!
cue abrupt edit
TW: Anyway, while these guys are busy discussing what gets destroyed, extracted or
stomped on, why don’t you kids sit back and take this time to enjoy our story of the day.
(produces a small, stained volume) It’s called, “Good Twin, Evil Twin.” And it’s about a very,
very naughty WileyKit! Enjoy!
cover illustration: WileyKat and WileyKit in bed
Annoying Five Year Old (struggling to pronounce the words): Good Twin, Evil Twin, by
RD Rivero. Narrated by me! The Annoying Five Year Old! This is a really long, long, long story
-- I’m gonna skip these first chapters. (scant views of WileyKat and WileyKit hover-boarding,
exploring and enjoying the river) OK, wow, the kittens seem to be real close in this one. (image
of WileyKit groping WileyKat under his tunic) What’s the strange box under WileyKit’s bed and
why can’t WileyKat see it? (image of WileyKit smiling over the open box) What’s with all of the
blood? (image of WileyKat’s hand covered in blood and gashes) Oh, oh, the kittens are doing
it, this is really nasty! No, Snarf, don’t go in there, don’t go in there! (Snarf stands before the
kitten’s door, listening in) You’re going to see the kids doing nasty things to their bodies! (Snarf
sneaks into the bedroom) Oh, no, it’s too late -- Snarf’s seen it and looks spooked -- I’m
skipping ahead! (image of the conference room with all of the Thundercats gathered)
Everyone’s gathered for breakfast and something crashes through the window, it’s Snarf! He’s
dead and he’s in flames! (image of Snarf in the middle of the table all in flames) Someone,
please make it stop! Ewww! Is this a story for kids? I don’t think I should be reading this!
Someone, help! (cut to the morgue) They’re cutting up Snarf -- they’re, argh! I’m skipping
ahead! What are Tygra and Panthro doing in that tub together? (still shot of naked Tygra and
Panthro getting into a metal tub) And what are the kittens doing watching ‘em? And what am I
doing watching ‘em watching ‘em? (a toaster falls into the tub) Oh, great, the adults have been
electrocuted and WileyKat goes bonkers! His sister’s been bad, real bad! (image of WileyKit
laughing for no good god-damned reason) Liono and Cheetara find the box -- they open it and
ewww! I’m not reading any more of this story! Mommy, daddy, I need professional help!
(image of the Annoying Five Year Old resting on a couch next to Dr. Zhie) Thanks a lot, RD
Rivero! THE END!
TW (breaking into a room marked: “WARNING: WMD’S ONLY!”): Wow, that WileyKat
sure was dumb -- oh, wait, that was another story wasn’t it? I hope you kids learn your lesson!
Don’t peek while naked men use the bathtub. Anyway, huh?
the four-eyed imp-geek returns with a fresh clipboard and pen
TW (shaking his head): You really should try better next time, RD, I mean it! It’s been
what, two years since you last wrote one of these fics and this lousy, two-bit job’s the best you
can do? I told you last time I wanted to bash heads, I wanted to cause havoc -- and all you’ve
done this time’s write these -- these -- (picks up the Hans Blix) things with checklists.
RD: But, TW!
the two enter the room -- an Olympic-sized pool adorns the center of the vast chamber --
the weird and unwieldy little man sticks his finger into the waters and licks it -- he scribbles a few
notes -- enter Sadam Hussein and Dan Rather -- the pair are scantily clad with Speedos -- the
dictator of Iraq sports a very noticeable sunburn outlining the shape of woman’s two-piece
bathing suit
TW: I swear it, I mean -- I’m supposed to be a weapon of mass destruction (strolls by
the two older men, knocking Dan Rather to the side (he implodes having been a badly drawn
balloon double all along!) and throwing Sadam Hussein in the pool) I should be causing havoc
and doing evil!
RD (zooming into the pool where the Iraqi leader landed, the water boiling): Er, TW? I
think you killed Sadam!
TW: Huh? What are you talking about? Killed Sadam? What? What? (looks into the
pool where RD points, floating amid the bubbles are bones and a distinctive mustache that
survived the acid) Great, now on top of it all, I’ve got the reputation of a do-gooder? Oh, you
are so going to pay for this RD Rivero! (shakes his fists) And while I’m planning my
vengeance, kids, check out these stories at a restricted website near you!
enter Ronoxis with a life-sized picture of his dead “girl-friend” on a tripod
Ronoxis: My story is called “The Talented Mrs. Tygra” and it’s about a crazy woman
who cuts off Bengali’s --
cue abrupt edit -- enter Purrsia Thunder!
Purrsia: My story is called “Oh, Liono” and it’s about me and Liono -- and we’re
supposed to do the nasty but he can’t get his soggy sausage up so he --
cue abrupt edit -- enter RD Rivero?
RD: Yeah, er?
cue abrupt edit -- enter Tygra?
Tygra: I can’t believe someone the likes of RD Rivero, notorious tormenter of Tygras
everywhere, is allowed to write stories for children -- this is an outrage, this is a disaster!
a strange man in even stranger Marx-brothers glasses complete with fake nose and
mustache (odd, too, for the bald man is fully bearded) enters and throws dried Silky Fruit balls at
Tygra
cue abrupt edit -- ThunderWolf stands at the edge of the pool while a hoard of soldiers
enter
TW: You know, RD, I think you were right about calling first (inching closer to the
camera man) I think maybe --
RD: And that’s a wrap! Let’s get the hell outta here!
cue end credits
Singing Voice:
“Pus Bucket in the sky,
I can get twice as high,
With silky fruit,
Yeah, it’s in this book,
The Reading Pus Bucket,
The Reading Pus Bucket --”
Voice: The Reading Pus Bucket was brought to you by mean strangers, fierce and
insane sabertooths, evil authors and dumb kittens everywhere!