The Slumber Party

by Fianna 

Peachyra, Spark, Ayanna and Tygrishawk reached the house together, an hour after sunset. The windows glowed brightly, illuminating a yard covered with wooden sillouhette cut-outs of cowboys, and the occassional gnome, just to break up the monotony.

"Robear Roger did a good job on the yard," Peachy observed as they went up the walkway to the porch and rang the doorbell. "You'd never know they burnt Tatiana at the stake here." 

"Poor Tati," Spark mused. "First she is eaten by poodles, then barbeque. This house was much poor luck to her! I hope it is better for--"

"BENNI!" the females chorused as the door swung open. Their tigress host squealed in delight and there was a full minute of hugs, welcoming smooches, and rapid-fire banter as they crowded into the foyer.

"I love your outfit!" Peachyra praised Benni, who promptly struck a pose to show off her green jammies with the monogrammed "RD" on the pocket.

"Thanks! I stole it from his closet," she said, evoking a round of giggles from the group.

"Where is the kitchen? I will be serving up many wonderful things for eating!" Spark merrily announced. Benni pointed to the left, and the latina authoress sped off in a jangle of silver jewelry.

"Wow, she even wears that stuff to bed?" Benni grinned.

"Sparky wouldn't be caught dead without her sparklies," Peachy replied. She herself was clad in a simple cotton nightgown, modest and comfy. She turned to Tygris, who was trying to remain unnoticed. "Tygris, what did we discuss?"

"I can't wear pajamas! I'm a tiger!" she said protested.

"No munitions in the house," Benni chided, pointing to the closet. Tygris sighed and shrugged her bandoleros onto the floor and pushed them into the closet with her nose. 

"All of it," Peachyra said with a grin. Tygris glared at her, then shook herself as though she had come in from the rain. An impressive array of hand grenades, dynamite sticks, pipe bombs and M90 firecrackers flew out of her fur and clattered onto the wooden floor. With the help of the bipeds, she slid the rest of her armory into the closet as well.

The group moved through the right-hand door into the small living room. It was a cheerful space, decorated in the western style. Framed posters of "The Man from Snowy River" ornamented the walls, and above the mantel a complete set of McGregor Saga videos and books were present.

There was a metallic rattle behind them, and they turned to find Spark whizzing into the room, a wide array of mexican goodies piled high on platters balanced on each hand. She set the treats on the end tables by the sofa and swept back into the kitchen without missing a beat. Seconds later, she returned with four blenders' worth of frozen drinks, each one different.

"How does she do that?" Ayanna wondered, her words slightly slurred by drool.

"I do not even own a blender," Benni said with a shrug. They sat around the room, drinking and snacking and chattering amiably about nothing in particular. Still, there was a tension in the air, and as the snacks disappeared and the alchohol took hold, it became impossible to ignore.

"So what would you all like to do?" Benni asked. "I have every McGregor tape, or we could play yahtzee?"

"C'mon, Benni," Peachyra said coyly. "You know what we want." The others nodded in agreement, their eyes riveted on the Thunderan, smiling avariciously.

Benni looked from face to face of her friends, and then she smiled too. Without a word, they all got up and carried their drinks to the stairway. They were so intent on their mission, they failed to notice the disturbance in the bushes outside the living room window.

********

"They're going upstairs!" Chanur whispered, ducking back into the shrubbery.

"Of course they are, it's a slumber party, right?" Zhyan replied irritably. The rose bushes were playing havoc on his wings. "And since we weren't invited, tell me again: What are we doing skulking around out here?"

"Gathering intelligence," Chanur said, working his way free of the brush and onto the lawn.

"That would be the first time in the history of this club somebody became more intelligent from being here," Zhyan groused. The winged British angel-thing sprang into the air and glided lightly onto the grass beside the Hani, but Chanur was distracted, looking around the second story of the house.

"And why, might I ask, are we needing intelligence on this bunch?" Zhyan asked as they walked around back.

"Personal reasons," Chanur muttered.

"Personal?" Zhyan said, then the angel's eyes opened wide. "That's right! Today was your big date with Peachyra! My goodness, she stood you up for a slumber party?" When Chanur's shoulder slumped, Zhyan patted him on the back and said, "Don't be so upset, lad, at least it's not another man."

Chanur noted a light coming on in one of the second story windows, and started for a nearby tree. "It would be so much easier if they just came into heat, like normal people," the Hani grumbled.

********

"Very nice," Peachyra said, filing into the master bedroom with the others. The room was comfy, and decorated in a similiar manner to the living room. One glaring standout was a mural of a white french poodle on one wall, which seemed to have been put together from fragments of bone.

"Everyone take some pillows and we will put the bedspread on the floor," Benni said, directing her guests to position everything in front of a large free-standing wardrobe. When everyone was ready, she went to the wardrobe door, flourished her hand in the air, and pulled it open.

Bright light spread across the floor, bathing the wide-eyed females as they beheld it's source: an ornately framed portrait of RD Rivero, surrounded by vanity lights, his evil smile shining down on them like the sun.

"He's so cool," Ayanna breathed.

"So awesome," Tygris sighed.

"So sauve," Spark moaned.

"So evil," Peachyra said with a sinister grin.

Benni dropped to her knees, so as not to break the other's view of the portrait, then slid open the first drawer of the closet's built-in dresser. From this she removed a small box, about as large as a ring case.

"This is the first," she said. "It's--"

"I know! I know!" Ayanna said excitedly. "It's the box from Fianna's very first riff, the one that had RD's genitals in it!"

She was silenced by four withering glares. Spark leaned over to Peachyra and whispered, "Did you invite her?"

"Everyone knows that it was Tygra's genitals in the box, not RD's," Benni said imperiously. "But yes, this is the same box." She passed it to Spark, who turned it over in her hands reverently before handing it to Peachyra.

Benni reached into the drawer again, and this time pulled out a slightly burnt conical hat.

"Ooo! Ooo!" Tygris cried. "I know this one! The Puritan, right? RD's greatest creation?"

"Not just any Puritan," Peachyra chided her friend. "The true Puritan, Heavy-Handed, as created in 'Evil Incarnate, a Satire'! Look at the burn marks from the fireball that killed RD and...,” she stopped suddenly.

"Killed who? Lady Thun-?" Ayanna began, but was instantly silenced by a chorus of "shhhh"s. "Wha'd I do?" she asked, wounded.

"We do not speak her name here," Benni said. "We refer to her only as, 'She who Broke His Heart'."

"I prefer to call her, 'She Who is No Longer in the Way'," Peachyra smiled, evoking a round of merry giggles from the group. Benni handed the Puritan cap to Spark and opened the next drawer.

"Fianna is our main prop comic, so alot of what I have is from him. This one is quite a prize!" she said as she wrestled the object loose and set it on the floor. It was a large stuffed tiger, rumpled and wrinkled, with it's tail missing.

"I remember that one," Peachyra laughed. "It's the stuffed Thundera Tiger from 'Hee Hee'." She gave the toy a squeeze and was rewarded with a tinny "How did I get dragged into this?" from within the stuffed breast.

"But what happened to the tail?" Ayanna asked

"'She' tore it off and stuffed it in RD's mouth in the beginning of 'Tiger Blues'," Peachyra said knowledgably. "It was lost after the destruction of Barney the Purple Spaceship, and never seen again."

"Weeell," Benni said. "'Never' is such a strong word."

Peachyra's mouth fell open. "You didn't!"

Benni reached into the drawer and produced a long, thin case. She opened it to reveal the legendary Lost Tail of Thundera Tiger.

"How did you find this?!" Peachya asked incredulously. "It's been missing for months!"

"I used Tygra's personal Rivero Detector to home in on the DNA in his spit. That's the dry, flaky stuff there," Benni replied, passing the box to Spark. 

The latina took the box in a swoon and handed it quickly to Peachyra. "Take it from my sight before I am never wanting to part with it!" she gasped. When it was gone, she recovered and asked "Benni, what else is in your drawers from RD?" Then she looked around, slightly puzzled, as her fellow guests brayed with laughter and her hostess blushed furiously. Benni reached back into the dresser, and everyone was so excited, none of them noticed the slight ruckus from the tree by the window.

********

Chanur slid backwards along the branch, away from the lighted window. When he reached a thicker portion of the limb, he stood up and walked back to the trunk to where Zhyan stood. He turned and looked sorrowfully through the branches to the ground below.

"What are you going to do?" Zhyan asked

"I'm going to kill myself," Chanur said soberly. "Don't try to stop me."

Zhyan shrugged, put a hand on Chanur's shoulder and pushed. Unbalanced, the Hani thrashed around wildly for one full second, then tumbled off the branch, through an opening in the limbs and hit the ground with a solid thud. Then the angel stepped off the limb and spread his wings, dropping lightly to beside the felinoid where he lay face-down in the soft dirt. 

"Are you dead?" he asked.

Chanur pulled his face out of the impact crater it had formed, spat out a gob of soil and growled, "No. The drop wasn't far enough. I meant to kill myself when I got DOWN!"

"Oh, imagine that," the brit said off-handedly. "So what do you intend then? Shoot the tree and let your fifty-yard destruction radius settle it for you?"

Chanur pushed himself upright and said, "No, actually, I've changed my mind. I had a few moments to reflect as I was plummeting to the ground, and I've decided to win Peachyra back from this bizarre Rivero cult she's mixed up in!"

"Sorry, mate, but I don't think you have a hope," Zhyan said somberly. "Face it, the birds love evil bad guys, and you are strictly milquetoast." 

"No," Chanur pronounced, squaring his shoulders and putting his hands on his hips. "I cannot accept that females are feeble things that tumble for the first bit of evil they see. Women are wonderous creatures, full of grace and beauty and tenderness. They are nurturing, sweet and gentle. Evil lures them because it promises strength, but true strength comes from understanding one's own heart and being prepared to commit to a relationship. It is not their failing, but my own. I must prove I am worthy of them."

"I suppose Axelle told you all of this while she was ripping your fingernails out?" Zhyan asked.

********

Ayanna passed the last Rivero artifact, a broken set of midevil replica thumbscrews, back to Benni while Peachyra began fishing around in her overnight bag. 

"I brought us a game to play!" she said cheerfully. The others crowded around her until she pulled a shiny black orb from the depths of the knapsack.

"Ooo! An infinity ball!" Tygris chirped. "I just loved that thing on 'The Tick'! Who are we gonna send it after?"

"It's not an infinity ball, silly tiger," Peachyra grinned. "It is a magic .8ball. I 'borrowed' it from the chatroom while Thunderwolf wasn't looking."

"Wait a minute," Ayanna said, eyeballing the .8ball. "How do we know that thing's accurate? Does it have to be calibrated or something?"

"Let us ask it," Benni said. She took the ball from Peachyra, shook it, and said, "Magic .8ball, are you always right?" The group crowded in close to the orb, looking into the inky black window on it's underside. In a moment the plastic die floated to the glass. 

"It is decidedly so," it said.

"Hah," Spark said, her tone challenging. "How much more proof do you want?"

"Okay, okay, I'm convinced," Ayanna said. "Let's ask it a real question."

"I'll do it!" Peachya said, grabbing the oracle and shaking it. "Magic .8ball, will RD Rivero fall in love with me?" She watched the window intently for a moment, then grumbled, "Try again later."

"You should just give it up," Ayanna snickered. "Everyone knows RD wants me. I live closest to him in Mundania, and," she waggled her eyebrows, "He keeps saying he wants to stuff me!"

The rest of the gang groaned. "Not 'stuff' you, Ayanna, he says he wants to 'accessorize' you," Tygris laughed. "He loves you, yes, but only as a throw pillow."

"My turn!" Benni said, grabbing the ball. "Magic .8ball, will RD fall in love with me?" She waited a moment, then pouted. "Definitely not," she said.

"It's okay, Benni. You have a better shot than any of us, since you work with him." Ayanna said.

"All of this is pointlessness," Spark said, getting to her knees and fluffing her black hair. "RD Rivero will be mine. It is destiny."

"What makes you so sure of that?" Peachya grinned.

"Easy," Spark said. "Unlike the rest of you, I have a genuine spanish accent. All of you are anglo pretenders, like Jennifer Lopez."

Peachyra sprang to her feet, her eyes blazing with mirthful wrath as she raised her pillow to her shoulder. "Nobody compares me to Jennifer Lopez and lives!", she yelled, whipping her pillow down to smack Spark upside the head. The latina rolled with the impact, coming to her knees with her own pillow in hand. 

"Eat feathers, hippie!" Spark yelled, and charged in on the avatar, swinging ferociously. Tygris grinned at Ayanna, who yelped and took off, racing circles around the room with the tiger teen in hot pursuit. Benni grabbed a pillow and closed the door to her shrine, bopping anybody who got to close to her treasures.

********

"On an eve of less-than-brilliant ideas, this one is absolutely sterling," Zhyan said smugly.

Chanur shot the angel a warning look, then began to scale the tree one-handed, his claws providing enough purchase to compensate for the burden under his other arm. Within moment, he was on the limb by the window. Looking inside, he could see the females playing merrily, chasing each other with pillows and having fun. The light mood of the moment filled him with optimism; this was the time. He quietly slid the lower pane of the window open, and set down the boom box he'd carried with him. He pushed play, turned up the volume and began to sing.

"Leeeet me caaaall you sweetheart, I'm in looove with youuuuuu.”

********

At that instant, Ayanna was charging across the room, dodging her friends, when she suddenly realized she was headed straight for Benni. The cheetah slammed on the brakes as the Thunderian swung her pillow like a golf club. Ayanna ducked reflexively, still out of range of the swing. She counted her lucky stars again as the pillow missed her, but more importantly, the magic .8ball, which Benni had whacked hard enough to send it flying. The ball shot across the room and crashed through the upper pane of the rear window. There was a hollow 'thock' as it hit something on the other side, followed by a loud crash. Instantly the females left off their revelry and went to the window to survey the damage.

"Oh man," Peachyra swore, scanning the empty tree limb. "I hope it's not broken. I don't want to have to explain that to Thunderwolf."

"It sounded like it hit the tree pretty hard," Tygris comment. "And it made so much noise falling, it must have been in pieces."

"Oh, thanks, T-Hawk, you're just a bundle of reassurance tonight," Peachyra sneered. Tygris stuck her tounge out at her and they all left the window.

*********

Zhyan walked over to the patch of earth where Chanur lay. There was a large bump welling up on the Hani's forehead, and beside him lay a cracked .8ball. The die was vanishing into the ball's core as the fluid leaked out, but he could plainly see the message through the window: "Definitely Not".

“Are you dead now?” he asked. Chanur’s right eye popped open and fixed on the angel. A moment later, the felinoid was heading for the front door of the house, while Zhyan tried vainly to dislodge the .8ball from his own mouth.

********

The pillow fight in progress came to an instant halt when the bedroom door crashed open and Chanur stormed into the room. They looked at the Hani warrior in confusion before Peachyra ventured to speak. 

“Chanur, are you okay? God, you’re a mess!” she said.

“No, frankly, I’m not okay,” Chanur growled. He moved to the closet, and Benni stepped aside as he grabbed the door and pulled it open.

“Would somebody please explain...this?” he asked, waving his hand at the Rivero shrine. “Better yet, will somebody explain why you all love this guy so much?”

All of the females turned loving, longing eyes towards the shrine.

"He's so cool," Ayanna breathed.

"So awesome," Tygris sighed.

"So sauve," Spark moaned.

"So evil," Peachyra said with a sinister grin.

Chanur stared at them a moment, then blurted out, “BUT HE’S EVIL!! And he’s probably not interested in any of you anyhow!”

"What's that supposed to mean?" Peachyra said indignantly.

“Think about it a minute,” Chanur said. "Everything he writes is full of homoerotic undertones; hell, there wasn't one straight guy in all of 'One Million Years'. What about the fixation on Tygra’s genitals? For Chris’s sake, he put Grune in a pink G-string and married him!”

“Soooooo, what are you driving at here?” TygrisHawk asked.

Chanur slapped his palm over his face, slid it down and said, “Hasn't it occurred to any of you that RD might be...be...you know!”

Ayanna shook her head. “Know what?”

Chanur waved his arms helplessly. “Uh, hanging out on Kingkat Avenue? Swimming on the same side of the gender river as Shark?"

"WAAAAAAAA!!" Benni wailed and collapsed in tears. Immediately the other females rushed to her side and began trying to comfort the distressed tigress.

"It's okay, Benni, what does he know about it?" Peachyra said gently, rubbing Benni's heaving shoulders as the tigress sobbed.

"Yes, just ignore him, he is being mean," Spark said, stroking Benni's hair.

"It's not true, it's not true, it's not true," Ayanna chanted, her fixed gaze evidence the she had retreated to another, kinder world in the face of Chanur's innuendoes.

Chanur was aghast; of all the possible reactions he’d imagined, this hadn’t been one of them.

“Uh, look, I’m sorry if I upset you,” he said. “I didn’t think it would really suprise anybody.”

“It’s not the suprise,” Spark said, glaring at him.

“But if RD Rivero is gay,” Peachyra snarled.

“WE CAN’T HAVE HIM!” they yelled in unison, then got to their feet and began walking towards him. Chanur began to back towards the door, holding his hands out placatingly.

“Well, I can see this is a girls-only party and all things considered it was rude of me to burst in on you so Illjustbegoingnow,” he said and lunged for the door.

*********

The sun came up bright and brilliant, shining into the windows of the house. Benni stirred in her bed and sat up, yawning and rubbing her eyes. She got up and made the rounds, awakening her friends in their guest beds. Soon Spark was cooking up breakfast while they all sipped coffee and catnip tea in the kitchen.

“I feel like I should apologize for last night,” Benni said. “I made a fool of myself.”

“Not at all,” Peachyra said. “Chanur just doesn’t understand. His mind must be purged of all these unseemly thoughts. Speaking of which, we should check on him.” She got up and led the others through upstairs to the master bedroom. Inside, Chanur was bound and gagged, seated on a wooden chair in from of the television set. An intricate wire frame on the Hani’s head held his eyeballs open while automatic dripping devices applied moisturizing drops to them. A sturdy brace on his neck and shoulders secured both, preventing him from turning his head left or right.

“Oh, you poor thing,” Benni said brightly. “I see your tape has stopped. Let me start the next one for you.” She went to the stack of video tapes by the television and picked the top one off the stack. “’Xanadu’, perfect!” She swapped the tape with the one in the vcr , patted the Hani on the shoulder and left, the others following her out.

“How many tapes of RD stories do you have, Benni?” Ayanna asked.

“All of them, of course!” Benni laughed. “One thousand three hundred and seventeen hours‘ worth. And I think twice through the library should be all Chanur need to get his mind right!”

The End