The Unbearables
Part 1
Ayanna the hyperactive cheetah burst merrily from the underbrush and into her hut in the Warrior Maidens' village. There was a spring in her step, a song in her heart, catnip tea in her flask, and nobody around to make her take her medication. What more could a cheetah ask?
"Hmm, lunch maybe?" she said aloud. She sat on the floor, composed herself and spoke aloud. "All of a sudden, a thompson gazelle appeared on the dining room table."
Ayanna was an author, one of many in the world of TCATGR. But she was new to this strange world, a place with it's own bizarre definition of logic, and this sometime created...issues.
In this case, it created a gazelle. However, the gazelle was not ready for eating; it was alive, scared, and definitely not interested in being cheetah-chow. As soon as it saw Ayanna it bleated in terror and began to crash around the room, smashing furniture and upsetting cabinets.
Ayanna watched the ruckus, then decided this was more fun than eating it anyway. She joined the gazelle in racing around the room and further demolishing the place.
Ayanna was headed directly for a large mahogony end table that had somehow escaped the careening mammals, when the world suddenly lurched and she slammed into a massive wall of metal.
"Ooof," the cheetah grunted as she rebounded.
"Woof!" Fianna grunted as the cheetah rebounded off of his back.
"Huh?" Sher Kahn grunted in suprise at the scene.
"What was that?" Fianna asked aloud, looking around. "Is Shark throwing peach pits again?"
"Naw, looks like a little cat," Kahn said mildly as the dazed cheetah got to her feet.
Fianna grinned. "What, no paint this time?"
Ayanna glowered at the dog, remembering how long it had taken to get the tire marks out of her fur from the last chat session. "Don't push it, biscuit breath, you're still on my list!"
"That's okay," Fianna grinned, and that strange combination of merrirment and malice flickered in the caninoid's golden eyes. "You're in my riff!"
"WHAT?!" Ayanna yelped.
"See, there it is again," Kahn murmured.
"But I don't...but I didn't...ah hell, we're all gonna die aren't we?" Ayanna groaned.
"You maybe," Kahn said with a smile. "I always make out pretty good in these things."
"He almost killed you last time!" Ayanna cried.
"True," Kahn replied. "But now I have Christina Aguilara to scratch my back for me. I can't complain."
"ATTENTION PEOPLE!" there came a voice from nearby. Ayanna looked around and realized she was at the rear of a crowd of thiry-odd, emphasis on the "odd", authors, all gathered in a patch of grass outside Cat's Lair.
"What's happening?" she said, springing on to of Sher Kahn's back. "I can't see!"
"Hey, watch the nails!" Kahn snapped with a grimace.
"Yeah, he's still got alot of fresh scratch marks from last night," Fianna chuckled.
At the front of the group was a stage and podium. RD Rivero appeared out of thin air and went to the podium.
"Is this thing on? Testing? Testing? Ahem. I have summoned the group to make an announcement," Rivero said. "It has come to my attention that catnip use among the membership of this club is growing at an alarming rate. Studies have shown that ingesting catnip can and does regularly lead to hard intoxicants, including silky fruit salad and chocolate cake. Additionally it has been shown to counteract the effects of Ritilin in hyperactive cheetahs, making it a health risk of the first order."
"Therefore, as your dreaded master and absolute dictator I, RD Rivero, do hearby outlaw all catnip in the premises of TCATGR. All of you who do have catnip in your possession must forfeit it immediately or face severe torture and mutilation."
"WHAT?!" cried Ayanna in horrible distress. "This is an outrage! You can't outlaw catnip!"
"There was a low growl from behind the companions, and Ayanna found herself lifted off Kahn's back by her neck. She was turned to observe a face set with a bewildering array of teeth.
"He means you, Speckles," Shark said, and pulled Ayanna's flask from her waistband. He passed it to Thunderwolf and said "Here precious, will you dispose of this?"
"Glady," the insane lion said. He took the flask, bit the cap and neck off, spat both on the ground and drained the contents.
Shark dropped the sputtering, outraged cheetah on her tail. Thunderwolf threw the flask onto the ground beside her and snorted. Together they both walked through the crowd to the stage up front.
"What you have just witnessed here," Rivero said over the microphone, "Is our new enforcement arm, which I call 'the Unbearables'. This crack team includes Thunderwolf, Shark and Fuzzball, and is led by my devoted Mistress of All Evil in Denial, Lady Thundera."
The members of the Unbearables came together on stage. From near the front, a youthful hormone-laden voice yelled, "First Hillary on health care, now this!"
Lady Thundera gestured and Thunderwolf and Shark sprang from the stage. At the back, Ayanna, Kahn and Fianna could not see anything, but the sound of breaking bones and cries of "Not the ribs, they're new!" gave them a pretty good idea of who was getting bludgeoned.
Lady Thundera stepped to the microphone. "I am not evil," she said. "You brought that on yourself, Lucifer Daimou, admit it."
Thunderwolf and Shark dragged the bruised, misshapen and bleeding teen onto the stage and dumped him at LT's feet.
"Blghptthh," he sputtered, bits of bloody saliva getting on LT's boot.
"See everyone? He admits it," LT announced, the put a boot against LD's head and pushed the teen off the stage. He landed on the ground with a crunchy thud.
"Now then," LT said. "As the Goddess of All Good, it is my job to ensure we all follow the letter of the law perfectly. Therefore, any imperfections will be dealt with in a swift and horrific manner. Remember everyone, suffering makes you a better person!"
"The first offense shall be death," she announced. "Second offense-"
"How the hell can there be a second offense if you're already dead?" Kamanchee blurted out.
Lady Thundera smiled kindly at the Brit, then said, "Fuzzy, would you explain the principle for Mister Rude Interruptor here?"
Fuzzball snapped off a salute, then whipped out an uzi and opened up on the Englishman. Kam shrieked in pain and dropped in a spray of blood.
Nobody moved. Fuzzball tapped his gun aginst the side of his leg, humming the theme to the "Pink Panther" lightly.
"Dead-Ant, dead-Ant, dead-Ant dead-Ant dead-Ant."
Kamanchee sat up with a startled shriek. "That little sod shot me! He, he, hey I'm not dead!"
"Nobody dies here," Lady Thundera explained. "Although the experience is not always that pleasant."
"Pleasant?!" Kam squawcked. "That was anything BUT pleas, uh, hmm. I think I see your point. I'll be quiet now."
"Good," Lady Thundera grinned. "Because the second offense will be painful death, the third excruciating death, and so on."
"That is all! You may return to your regularly scheduled lives," RD announced, then the Unbearables disappeared.
Fianna looked around at the dismayed felines in the group and chuckled. "Glad I'm a dog," he said. "No such thing as dognip, and stout is still legal."
"It's not right," Kahn said with a shake of his massive head. "A person should be able to have a little catnip now and then without having these jokers harrassing them. What do you think, Ayanna?"
"What do I think?" the cheetah said, and something in her voice made the two warriors turn and look. The cheetah's eyes were alight with something that made Kahn frown and Fianna grin.
"I think that catnip is an inalienable right!" she growled. "Just because mister high-and-mighty RD Rivero says no more 'nip doesn't mean anything! I still have my stash of plants and seeds, and I intend to keep on brewing my tea and selling it to any cat that wants some!"
"Of course, there'll have to be a hefty markup, given the risks and all," Fianna said, his grin transforming into his trademark sloppy smile.
Now Kahn caught the idea. "Hey Ayanna, aren't you going to need some help? Maybe a little muscle if Rivero starts to close in?"
"You wan't in?" Ayanna said. Both of the fighters nodded enthusiastically. "Okay, you're in. We'll meet in an hour to discuss operations. Oh, and don't call me Ayanna anymore; from now on, I'm...Spotface!"
TBC