Part 5

Dawn was breaking as Spotface and Fianna slipped away from the Slinky hideout and hurried down the road towards safety.

"What now, boss?" Fianna asked.

"We have to get that paper to the press," Ayanna said. "Once Cheezey and April O'Neal get ahold of it, RD will be forced to repeal his catnip ban, or face charges himself!"

"What about Kahn?" the dog said worriedly.

"He'll be alright," Spotface said with a confidence she didn't feel. "He, hey, I hear something."

In front of them the brush suddenly rattled and the Unbearables sprang onto the road, Shark and Thunderwolf in front, Fuzzball behind.

"Ah-HA!" they yelled.

The Spotface mob blinked. "'Ah-HA'?" Ayanna asked. "Couldn't you think of anything better than 'Ah-HA'?"

Shark grinned. "You're right, that was kind of weak. How about we discuss it over lunch?" Then the ichthyoid took a step towards Ayanna.

"Back off, Shark, or else!" Fianna barked.

"Or else what?" the ichthyoid hissed as Ayanna hid behind Fianna's leg.

"Or else, THIS!" Fianna yelled, and produced a sewing needle, which he held aloft for everyone to see.

The Unbearables began to laugh riotousley, while Fianna looked indignant.

"So what are you going to do, burst my bubble?" Shark giggled with eyes streaming, setting off a new round of laughter.

In response, Fianna took the needle and winced as he poked his thumb with it, then held it out to Shark.

"Look," the caninoid said. Shark looked at the drop of green blood on the caninoid's thumb, gasped and fainted.

"HEY!" Thunderwolf roared, holding his mace up menacingly. "Wha'd you do to him?!"

"Never send a killer who faints at the sight of blood," Fianna chuckled.

"YAAAAAHHH!" Thunderwolf bellowed and charged at the dog. Fianna watched him come, bouncing lightly on the balls of his feet. When Thunderwolf had closed within striking distance the caninoid lunged at him, grabbed the waistband of the underwear on the lion's head and yanked it over his eyes.

"Dammit Thunderwolf, get down! I can't get a-aaaaaagh!" Fuzzy screamed as Fianna ducked, grabbed the blinded lion's ankles and upended him, sending him toppling over onto the snarf.

Fianna and Ayanna raced past the fallen warriors. Within a few minutes they ducked into the underbrush and made their way to a nearby hideout, a large hollow tree that stood out of sight of the road.

Listening, they heard the angry yells of the Unbearables as they beat the bushes looking for the fugitives. Eventually though, RD's henchmen cursed their ill-fortune and left to hunt for beer instead.

"Close," Fianna commented, then said, "Cheezey and April O'Neal both have branch offices in Cat's Lair. I guess that's our destination then."

********

In the Unbearables' offices, Lady Thundera was admiring her handiwork. On her desk was a Weeble treehouse playset. From one of the large branches hung a piece of cord tied into a miniscule noose. From this hung a Fianna action figure, it's plastic neck cracked and bent to produce a realistic angle of dangle.

LT smiled blissfully to herself, occasionally reaching out to give the action figure a bump with her finger.

"Swing in the breeze, you son of a b--" she was cut off by the ringing of the telephone.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Fuzzball here," came the snarfish voice. "Bad news. We ran into them near the Slinky hideout, but they gave us the slip."

"Oh, how disappointing" she said, then started violently. "Fuzzy, where did you say you are calling from?"

"The Slinky hideout, why?"

"Why?! WHY?! Because if they were there, then they KNOW!" She screamed into the mouthpiece.

"Well, duh," Fuzzy grumbled. One of these days..., he thought.

"Nevermind that now. Get everyone together and go to Cat's Lair immediately. That has to be where their going," LT said. "When they show up, take them prisoner. If they resist, kill them. And Fuzzy? No more slips!"

The line went dead in Fuzzball's hand. The snarf looked at the reciever through narrow, dangerous eyes.

********

Spotface and Fianna burst out of the woods near Cat's Lair, running at full speed for the moat.

"Oh crud," Wilykat said, sitting in the control room with the other Thundercats. "Two authors, closing fast."

"Want me to blast them?" Panthro asked Lion-O.

"Isn't that one Fianna?" Lion-O asked.

Panthro stared at Lion-O a moment then said, "Want me to blast them?"

"You don't have to, Panthro," Tygra said, checking the readout. "There are Rivero's cronies coming in from the west. Oops, looks like Fianna and the cheetah are down."

"One more vehicle coming in now," Cheetara observed. Suddenly klaxons wailed and red emergency lights came on all over the Lair.

"We have Rivero sign, repeat, RD Rivero is nearing Cat's Lair!" Cheetara yelled, her arms crossing protectively over her breasts.

Lion-O shuddered in terror, both hands snapping over his groin. The Thundertwins looked at each other, screamed and ran off the bridge in opposite directions. Panthro rose a full two inches in his seat as his buttocks clamped together.

"Tygra!" Lion-O yelled. "Get to the Sword Chamber and lock yourself in!"

"No good, he's gone fetal," Panthro observed. Lion-O looked in horror to find his friend and teacher curled under his seat, arms wrapped around his legs, staring glassy-eyed at nothing as he sucked his thumb. Curiously, as horrifying as it was, he also found it highly arousing.

"God damn you, RD Rivero!!!!" the Lord of the Thundercats wailed.

********

Out on the plain, Fianna and Spotface got slowly to their feet. The ground around them was chewed up by gunfire from the snarf marksman who, along with Thunderwolf and Shark, was rapidly closing on them.

"I've got the paper, I'll make a run for it!" Ayanna said.

Fianna shook his head. "You won't get ten feet. Just hang in there and be ready."

The three warriors stopped in front of them, weapons ready. Nobody moved or spoke as behind the Unbearables a groundcar rumbled rapidly towards them. The car skidded to a stop a few yards away, the doors swung open, and out stepped RD Rivero and Lady Thundera.

"Ah, well done my guardians of morality," RD said with a broad grin. "I see you have brought down these bloodthirsty fugitives from justice."

"You have been accused of trafficing in catnip," Lady Thundera said with a toothy smile. "Do you have anything to say before we impose sentence?"

"Yeah, what happened to our trial," Ayanna growled.

"Trial?" LT said. Her gaze became glassy and her face twitched for a second. Then she refocused and said, "We don't need any OJ, I mean, trial. Your guilt is obvious. Fuzzball?"

Fuzzy stepped up between the other two enforcers and produced a fully automatic twelve-gage shotgun. He raised this to his shoulder, braced his tail and took aim on Spotface's wide-eyed head.

"NOBODY MOVE!!"

Nobody moved. After a few seconds, the voice called out, "You, the midget with the beard and tail! Drop the street sweeper!"

Fuzzball bristled, then complied. At the sound of the shotgun hitting the ground, everyone turned slowly to see the newcomer. Emerging from the woods was a tall man in gray studded-leather armor and green leggings. Incongruously, he wore a black fedora and carried a Thompson sub-machine gun in each hand. He walked carefully towards the group, covering them as he advanced.

Suddenly Shark reached out and squeezed Thunderwolf's upper arm excitedly. "Ohmigod!" he cried. "Do you see who that is?!"

"Yes, yes!" Thunderwolf yelled. "It's KEVIN COSTNER!!!"

"AIIIEEEEEEE!!!" they squealed.

"Took you long enough," Fianna called amiably to the star of "The Untouchables".

"Sorry, I was on the set at Thundera Tiger's riff when I got...the Call," he replied. "I got here as fast as I could."

In the furor, nobody had noticed that two more figures had joined the group on the plain, until they made themselves known.

"Mister Costner, could I have a minute?" April O'Neal yelled.

"Mister Costner, could I have your children?!" Cheezey yelled. Both reporters stuck microphones in his face.

Costner stepped clear of them, keeping his guns trained on the Unbearables. "Perhaps you should ask Spotface what's happening here."

"I can answer that!" RD said hastily, stepping in front of the pair of newshounds. "After careful consideration of all data, I have determined it to be in the best interest of the club to retract my ruling on catnip, restoring it to full legal status."

"Fine Rivero, now MOVE!" April yelled, and shoved RD aside. "Kevin, I'll not only bear your children, I promise you boys!"

"He's an actor, April, not Tygra," Rivero grinned, rubbing his bruised ribs.

Lady Thundera stared blankly at the actor as Fianna and Ayanna walked over and joined him, laughing merrily. She watched as Fianna clapped him on the shoulder, as Ayanna cheerfully put the packing slip into his pocket, as Cheezey clung to his leg and licked his boot.

She snapped. Lady Thundera reached down and grabbed Fuzzball's shotgun off the ground, raised it to her shoulder and screamed "DIIIIIIE!"

Then her eyes rolled up and she collapsed as Thunderwolf brained her with his mace.

"Are you nuts?!" he yelled at the comatose Mistress of All Evil in Denial. "You might have hit Kevin!" Then he dropped his own weapon and ran to join the other hero worshippers.

********

A few hours later, the various teams gathered at their respective bases to watch the evening news. In an unusual turn of events, Stone Phillips was doing the anchor job.

"My name is Stone Phillips," the talking head said. "Filling in tonight for Cheezey the Lunatac, in the hospital recovering from a hair-snatching fight with Channel 6 reporter April O'Neal."

"Tonight's top story, TCATGR dictator RD Rivero has repealed the ban on catnip, citing overwhelming negative public opinion."

"In a related story, the former leader of the Unbearables, Lady Thundera, has been charged as masterminding a conspiracy to steal all the catnip in TCATGR and sell it back to the public at inflated prices. However, due to her deteriorating mental condition, she has been pardoned by Rivero and confined to the William J. Clinton Mermorial Center for Sexual Deviants for 'rest'."

"In entertainment news tonight, actor Kevin Costner, star of such films as 'Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves' and 'The Untouchables' has been seen in the area, fleeing the affections of several female, and at least two male, club members. When ace newshound Cheezey tackled the star to the ground, he had this to say:"

Eyes widened across the realm as the tv sets produced sounds of ripping clothes and panicked screams of, "Get off me you freaks! Help! Rape!" The scene then went back to Phillips.

"Woody Harrelson was also in town today, visiting local businesses to extol the potential of legalized hemp as a cheap, renewable source of fibers for paper, rope and clothing. Few noticed, and those who did were too busy smoking his samples to pay attention."

"And that's all for now. Once again, this is Stone Phillips. Goodnight, TCATGR."

The End.