Welcome Wagon

The world of TCATGR was a multi-layered thing, with rules of transport and interaction that would have given Andre Norton a
migraine. The inhabitants of this realm, character and author alike, lived on every level simultaneously, making it perfectly logical
for any one person to be in several places at once. Thus, Fianna and Ayanna could be rampaging around Thundera Tiger's
"Robin Hood: Cats in Tights" while simultaneously wreaking havoc in the nincompoop's "The Unbearables" saga.

RD Rivero was just happy to have Richard Lewis' hair, even if he did look like a refugee from Motley Crue.

Each of these worlds was the province of an author in the realm, coming into being when the author was summoned, abducted or
joined into the club, ceasing with their departure, although shades of the former member could still be summoned as characters by
other writers.

One of these new arrivals had spent several weeks establishing her domecile. Rising above the plain on the western side of the
Berbil village, the sandstone pyramid was a monumental golden edifice, resting pleasantly amidst swaying palm trees and warm,
rolling sand.

Inside the pyramid was a multi-roomed mansion, resplendant with gold-inlaid murals on the walls, exotic potted plants and
fantastic decorations of the classic eqyptian style. There were no electric lights; instead, the sun and moon were allowed to shine
into the chambers through cunningly crafted apetures in the roof. Those rooms where a sink was called for featured instead ornate
fountains, sending streams of water cascading into the light, to descend into the pool with a tranquil burbling.

The grand library of this edifice was a chanber given over to study, meditation and repose. In additition to hundreds of classical
works by the literary greats of the ages, the walls were lined with teakwood scroll racks, on which rested priceless and irreplacable
scrolls of mind-boggling antiquity.

It was within this grand library of that magnificent dwelling where the mistress of the house reclined on a sofa, her laptop on her
knees, reviewing her greatest work, idly toying with the idea of taking it up again. A short, slender felinoid with curly brown hair
and large, luminous green eyes, her cloth-of-gold rainments rustled as she pressed the "page down" key again.

"486, 66 megahertz," Lady Bast chuckled. "I dated myself on that one."

Her musings were interrupted by a gentle chiming sound, floating melodically on the air of the chamber. Lady Bast frowned at the
disturbance and snapped her fingers.

Instantly a sprite was at her side. Sprites were non-native to TCATGR, an original creation of her own. The little creature was
astonishingly small, with blue-black skin and white hair. They absolutely worshipped their creator and obeyed her implicitly.

"Answer the door," she told the sprite. "Whoever it is, tell them we don't want any." The sprite hastened to comply and Bast
returned her attention to her work.

Presently the door to her chamber crashed open and a trio of raucus voices yelled, "SUPRISE!!" Bast leapt up from the sofa so
fast, she nearly dropped her laptop. She whirled to face the intruders, eyes flashing in alarm.

There in the doorway stood a large Siberian tiger, a standard cheetah, and a big green...thing with a poodle on it's shoulder. All of
them were smiling exuberantly.

"The door opened when we rang the bell, but nobody was there, so we just came on inside," the tiger said. "I'm Sher Kahn, this is
Ayanna, and behind me are Fianna and his wife, the Poodle."

"WELCOME WAGON!" they sang out again.

Bast said, nonplussed. "You didn't happen to see a sprite when you came inside, did you?"

The new arrivals looked around, mutterings of "Nope", "Uh-uh," and chirping barks rising from them. Suddenly, Ayanna hissed
and said, "Fianna, left foot."

Eveyone looked at the big dog's boot, or more specifically, at the little black hand and wisp of white hair sticking out from under it.

"Roadkill," Kahn said with a grimace.

"Aw, crap," the caninoid muttered, then looked over his shoulder. "Tracked it clear through the house too. Oh, I am SO
embarrassed!" He lifted his foot up, grabbed the arm and pulled, tearing the limb loose while the pulpy mass remained adhered to
his sole. With a sigh, he leaned against the door jamb, unlaced the boot and slid it off, setting it on it's side by the door.

"You wear dress socks?" Kahn asked.

"I like to let my feet breath," Fianna shrugged.

Bast gaped at the gooey boot, then an incredibly wonderful aroma penetrated the stupefication of her horror.

"What is that incredibly wonderful aroma?" she asked, mystified.

"Gold Bond," Fianna said.

"Not you!" Ayanna snapped. "Ignore him, he's a nincompoop. That mouthwatering scent is your housewarming gift, fifty gallons
of home-made catnip tea!"

"She used to say 'a year's supply', but it never lasted that long," Fianna snickered, then slid a large wooden barrel into view from
behind the door.

"Let's take it into the pool room and I'll try a sample," Bast said with barely concealed eagerness. Together they trooped through
an open archway adjoining the library and into a larger chamber. On the right was a bar made of Lebanese cedar and on the left
was an immense swimming pool filled with cool blue water.

Bast hurried around the bar and produced a keg stand and tap. Fianna hefted the barrel onto the bar and positioned it on the
stand, took the tap from Bast and screwed it onto the keg lid while the diminuitite cat diety retrieved a set of jeweled goblets,
which Fianna filled and passed around.

"Here's to good friends," Kahn toasted as he stood over his cup. Everyone took a deep drink, transporting the felines instantly
into a state of blissful ease.

Fianna frowned at his cup and said, "Sorry, it still tastes like lawn clippings to me." He extended his right hand and a chilled can of
Guinness stout appeared there. He poured this into the cup with the tea and took a mighty slug.

"Ah, much better," he said, emptying the rest of the can into the mixture.

Ayanna ventured to the edge of the water and slurred, "Thish looksh refressh AUGH!"

The cheetah sprang back as a twenty-foot long crocodile lunged out of the water and snapped at her, close enough to tickle her
whiskers. Ayanna stood staring at the pool, trembling and gasping.

"That's Imhotep," Bast giggled, slightly stoned. "His mate Nefertitti is still at the bottom. Swimming is not advised."

There came a melodic chime followed by a scream. In their stupored state, nobody noticed the latter as Bast excused herself to
answer the door.

"SUPRISE!" came a raucous cheer as she opened the door. Before her were a white tigress, a huge sabrelion, a somewhat smaller
ichthyoid and a human in Grand Moff Tarkin's costume and Richard Lewis' hair.

"THUNDERWOLF!! SHARKY!!" Bast squealed.

"Do not forget us, we brought the presents!" the tigress said. "I am Bengalli25, sister of Bengalli the Thundercat. And this is our
dreaded potent dictator--"

"Po-tater, for short," Shark snorted.

"RD Rivero, m'lady, at your service," RD said, turning on the evil charm to full volume. He stepped forward, slid a cardboard box
beneath his left arm, took Bast's hand and elegantly kissed her fingers.

When he let go, Bast smiled and glanced to make sure all her jewels were still in the ring settings, then said, "Well, welcome, one
and all, to my humble abode. Come in!"

As they filed inside, Rivero handed Bast the box and said, "For you."

"Oh, thank you, I ACK!" she yelped as she opened the lid and looked inside. She dropped the box onto the floor, jumping back as
it hit the paving stones with a melon-like thud.

"Fresh, I assure you, and suitable for mounting," RD grinned. "I understand it's customary for a housewarming gift to be
decorative."

Bast recovered rapidly and smiled at the famed villian. "It's lovely," she said. "I've been known to do a bit of that myself, at least in
Wilykat's case." She clapped her hands and a pair of sprites appeared, took the box and carried it away. As they left she observed
her new guests, and realized a couple were absent.

"Where are Zhie, Fuzzy and Lady Thundera? I'd heard they were on your team."

RD chuckled. "My beloved Mistress of All Evil in Denial suffered badly at the end of Fianna's last riff. Zhie has her in therapy,
and Fuzzball won the coin toss for who gets to administer her next electroshock treatment."

Bast pondered this, then realized even omniscience could not get completely around the level of nincompoopery she was
encountering here. Finally she gave up and said, "Well, you're all welcome to step into the pool room next to the library. There are
some guests already there, so visit and help yourselves to some catnip tea."

"Catnip...tea?" RD said with sudden intensity. "Don't mind if we do, do we boys?"

"Yeah, that'd be real nice," Thunderwolf said, cracking his knuckles loudly. Shark smiled in agreement, revealing an unnerving
quantity of teeth.

Bast clapped her hands again, summoning a sprite to lead her guests away. Once they were gone, she looked down at the floor
and frowned.

"Blood in sandstone," she growled softly. "Now I have to rent a power washer."

Suddenly there was a crash from the direction of the study. Alarmed, the cat goddess hastened towards the growing sounds of
ruckus.

She reached the library and was about to start for the pool room when the near wall disintegrated into rubble with an enormous
crash. In the cloud of dust, barely visible, were two herculean forms grappling violently. Then Thunderwolf took the advantage by
grabbing a handy rock and slamming it onto Fianna's foot. As the dog yiped and hopped, the saberlion emitted a whoop of pure
glee and drop-kicked the caninoid across the room and into a rack of priceless scrolls from Egypt's ancient past.

"AAUUUGHH!" Bast screamed.

"I'm okay, the toilet paper broke my fall," the dog said brightly, bouncing to his feet. All around him, tatters of ancient wisdom
floated to the ground like the world's most expensive snow-globe.

Thunderwolf charged at the dog, but Fianna was ready. As the lion came near the caninoid whipped his battle axe from behind him
in an overhand stroke. TW had no time to even register suprise before the flat of the huge blade slammed into his forehead with a
sound like a gong being struck. The lion's legs turned to jelly and he collapsed at Fianna's feet.

As the dog stood over his downed foe, trying to think of something else to do to him before the lion recovered, Bast drifted
towards the archway in a state of shock and looked through.

In the pool room, all was chaos. Sher Kahn pounced on a metamorphic Shark, matching tooth and claw against the ichthyoid's
powerful jaws and harpoon thrusts. These two fought as though they had a score to settle, and soon the floor was slick with
blood from both combatants.

Closer at hand, Benni the tigress held Ayanna on the ground while RD Rivero was gamely trying to re-upholster Bast's pool
lounger with the cheetah's hide. However, he seemed intent on doing this without removing the skin from the cheetah first,
evident by his holding her tail aloft and the angle at which he shoved the chair.

Finally Bast noticed a movement near the edge of the pool. Fianna's poodle was trotting around the combat scenes, largely
ignored. The was, until Imhotep noticed her, lunging out of the water to snap the pooch into his maw. The little dog emitted a
startled yelp before the great jaws slammed shut and the crocodile slid back beneath the surface of the pool.

Bast gaped numbly at the wreckage as her floor was stained and scratched, her furniture ruined, and her pool water reddened by
what seemed like an awful lot of blood for such a little dog.

Then she noticed the doorbell ringing with great frequency, and turned away to answer it. As she went, she found Fianna with his
arm wrapped around Thunderwolf's neck, his free hand busy administering a nuclear wedgie to the insane lion. Thunderwolf, who
had recovered consciousness at some point during this assault, was roaring furiously, if at least two ocatves higher, and
struggling mightily to free himself.

Bast reached the door and opened it.

"WHERE IS HE??!!"

Lady Bast's character was the incarnation of the ancient egyptian goddess of cats. It took alot to unnerve a goddess. Being two
inches from the furious green eyes of a six-hundred pound standard bengal tiger was more than enough.

"WHERE IS RIVERO?!" Thundera Tiger roared again, making the wide-eyed felinoid's hair fly behind her. "I KNOW HE'S IN
HERE!"

As proof of this, the tigress stepped back out the doorway and batted a paw to her right. A headless Tygra corpse flopped
loosely into the foyer and began oozing red gore onto the sandstone.

Bast just pointed towards the library, and in two bounds the dreaded tigress was past her and gone. As screams erupted in the
pool room, Bast drifted towards the commotion in a shock-induced trance-like gait.

Inside the library, she had to dodge Fianna twice. The caninoid was racing in circles around the room, fleeing Thunderwolf. The
lion had somehow gotten hold of the nincompoop's axe and was swinging it wildly as he chased Fianna. He still hadn't connected,
probably owing to the back waistband of his fruit-of-the-looms being stretched over the back of his head and down over his eyes.

In the pool room, the scene had changed dramatically. Kahn stood over the pool, smiling down as the red water seethed. Nefertitti
could be seen doing a death roll in the water. Of Shark, the only sign was his harpoon, lying discarded on the floor.

Nearby, Benni was holding the pool lounger in front of herself defensively as Ayanna swatted at the her, roaring in righteous
indignation. As Bast watched, the cheetah bolted under a wild swing and sank her fangs solidly into the tigress' shin, eliciting a
screech of pain from her as she toppled to the ground.

Across the room, on the far side of the pool, Thundera Tiger stalked RD Rivero, crouching low, her rumbling growl audible over
the rest of the noise in the chamber.

"Tee Tee, how wonderful of you to join us! You've been gone for such a long time!" RD said nervously.

"Is that why you killed Tygra? To get my attention?" Tiger snarled. "Congratulations, you GOT IT!"

Then she pounced on Rivero, bearing him over and tearing at the human with claws and teeth. Blood and gobbets of flesh flew in
all directions, yet Rivero's only scream was a cry of, "My feisty Tigie!"

Only then did Bast notice a small white object in the corner of the room. It was Fianna's poodle, curled up watching the action on a
large green blanket. Then she realized the blanket was composed of crocodile hide.

Bast sighed, then went back into the library. She ducked a wild swing of Thunderwolf's axe and continued uninterrupted into the
kitchen.

When she arrived, she started violently. The kitchen was a mess, flour everywhere. At least a dozen eggs were broken against the
walls and ceiling, yet over it all hung a wonderful aroma of...

"Chocolate cake?" said a voice with a soft British accent. Bast turned to her right to find a human male clad in black leather and
ornamented with Indian trifles and war paint.

"Somebody somewhere is going to find that offensive on a pale-face, pal," Bast said.

"What, no cries of 'My God, it's Adam Ant'?" the human said mildly. "My name is Kamanchee. Please excuse the mess, I was
making you a present."

He gestured to the kitchen table, and on it was a huge, mouthwatering chocolate cake. The heavenly scent of it wafted to Bast's
nostrils, filling her with an intense desire to gobble the whole thing down in one bite.

"Well, maybe just one slice," she said, forcing her eyes away as she absently wiped drool from the side of her mouth.

"I'm so glad," Kam said and began to cut the cake. Something in the way he said it gave the diety pause, a sense of
something...not right. But then the rich black confection was on a plate, a fork in her hand, and she knew resistance was futile.

"FREEZE LIMEY!"

Bast jerked, her cake spilling onto the floor. She turned to find two human females, a latina with long dark hair and a surfiet of
silver jewelry and ...

"Mary Ann?" Bast said weakly.

"Peachyra," the woman said. She pointed a finger at Kamanchee and said, "I never determined a character for myself, but I did let
it slip I live on a farm. And one Gilligan joke out of you and you die slowly," she snarled at Kam.

"Do not be eating of that cake, Bast Lady!" the latina blurted. "It is the devil's food! Oh, and I am Spark, welcome to our club."

"It's not devil's food, it's chocolate fudge," Kamanchee leered. "And both of you seemed to enjoy it enough. But it seems I am late
for an appointment, so I'll just take my leave."

Kamanchee whirled and started for the door. Peachyra and Spark started after him. Then the door flew open and a shadowy figure
delivered a devastating kick to the Englishman's gut, sending him tumbling to the floor at his pursuers' feet.

Axelle stepped into the light, smiling cheerfully.

"Hello Kam," she said brightly. "Spark, go get Benni so we can get started."

Lying on his back, Kam reached into his pocket and produced a cell phone. A few taps, and he hastily whispered, "Operator, give
me John Rambo!" Then Axelle snapped the phone out of his hand and hung it up.

"What was he doing?" Peachyra asked.

"What Englishmen always do when they get their asses in a jam: call an American," Axelle sneered. She looked up as Benni
limped into the room.

"Where is Spark?" she asked.

"Ayanna would only let me go if Spark promised to take her place," the tigress said. Then from the next room they heard a low cry
of, "Ow! That is hurting!"

Benni and Peachyra grabbed Kam's arms and hauled him to his feet while Axe turned to Bast's refrigerator and opened it,
rummaging through the contents. When she turned back, she had two cabbages in her hands.

"What are you going to do to me?!" Kam cried fearfully.

"Given how you're so food-obsessed, and critical of all things Celtic in general, I thought a nice haggis was in order," Axe said,
chopping the leafy heads with a large, wickedly sharp knife she took from Bast's drawer.

"Haggis?" Kam said, turning green. "You mean that nasty Scottish thing made of cabbage and entrails? You don't mean to make
me eat that, do you?!"

"Don't worry, we aren't going to make you eat it," Axe said, finishing her chopping. Then she turned to Kam and in one fluid
motion, sliced his shirt open to reveal the pasty, hairless, sunken chest below.

"We're going to make you INTO it," Axe snarled, and went to work.

Bast was out of the kitchen before the first drops of blood hit the floor, pursued by Kamanchee's screams of agony.

********

It did not take long for the chaos to wind down after that. Bast passed the time drifting from room to room, watching the carnage
unfold until at last it seemed everyone was too exhausted to continue. Then she went to the door and waited for them to make
their goodbyes.

First came Thundera Tiger, who complemented Bast on a lovely party, and the best meal she'd had all week.

Coming behind was the contingent of Benni and Thunderwolf. Between them was a double stretcher, on it lay RD Rivero and
Shark. Despite missing his liver, the evil dictator was smiling and muttering to himself as they bid her farewell and passed by. In
Shark's case, Nefertitti hadn't left enough of him intact to do more than moan pitieously.

Next came Axelle and the Ferocious Females, who apologized copiously for the mess in the kitchen, but promised plenty of
leftovers in the fridge, plus the mostly-unused carcass of Kamanchee to feed Nefertitti.

Last came Ayanna, Sher Kahn, Fianna and his poodle. The felines bid their goodbyes and left, but as Fianna walked by, Bast
stuck out an arm and barred his way.

"Would you mind explaining what provoked all of this?" she asked.

Fianna smiled. "A little birdie told me you were observing the doings here in the club. I thought it'd be nice to showcase a bit of it
for you."

"Are the chats anything like this?"

"At their best, the chats are exactly like this," Fianna grinned. Then the dog's tone became a bit more somber.

"We've lost some people lately, and I know they have their reasons for going. But everyone here I consider a friend, and it pains
me to see them go. I suppose including people in my stories like this is how I try to keep them in touch. After all, everyone loves
to see their name in print."

Bast smiled broadly. "Don't I know it!" she laughed.

After Fianna and his wife had gone, Lady Bast stood in her library, surveying the wreckage, and decided it was all repairable.
After all, she had an advantage even the other club members lacked: experience at being a god. She turned to get her laptop and
jumped in suprise when she found she was not alone.

"Hi!" the young male human said. He was clad in a set of red Converse All-Stars and black sweatpants. He was shirtless except for
what appeared to be a black vinyl tablecloth tied around his neck like a cape.

"Who are you?" Bast said, too worn out to bother with manners.

"LD," the youngster said. "I brought you a present for coming!" he crowed, then reached beneath his cape.

Bast cringed, covering her face. When nothing bled or exploded, she looked up to find the boy holding an ornate ivory inkpen,
carved with grate detail into a likeness of the Sword of Omens.

"Oh my!" Bast exclaimed, taking the pen gingerly. "This is lovely, LD! Thank you so much!" Then, unable to resist, she chided
jokingly, "You know, elephant ivory isn't very politically correct."

"Oh, it's not from an elephant," the boy said. "I just had my ribs replaced with metal ones so I could play xylophones on myself."
He struck his side with his palm, and a clear note chimed out of his open mouth.

"Anyway, I asked Zhie to save the old ones when she took them out and..."

The End.